Published: January 26, 2026
Dearest Gentle Reader, a chill in the air may render the promenade quiet, however, beneath a blanket of snow mischief certainly stirs. While a steaming cup of tea and a fur lined bonnet provide some comfort, the warmest cloak is stitched with prudence and vigilance.
|
Classification of Misdeed |
Report of Events |
Observations from the Chair of Curiosity |
|
Unchaperoned Youth |
Report of unsupervised children running around Hannaford field and in Facilities Maintenance areas (11/3). |
The children displayed great enthusiasm, though the same could not be said of their guardians, who had to collect them. |
|
Improper Access |
Report of two non-residents walking around Portland Commons – knocking on doors and talking about their religion (11/26). |
Let this stand as a courteous warning: even the most well-meant act may provide entry to mischief or other unwelcome intrusions. A fleeting awkwardness is far preferable to a night of concern. Gentle Reader, always weigh the safety of your neighbors before holding a door open and allowing strangers into your buildings. |
|
Aerial Ambition Temporarily Thwarted |
Engineering Dept. reports they were sending a high altitude balloon into the sky when it went off course and became stuck in a campus neighbor’s tree (12/3).  |
Even unexpected outcomes are part of meaningful discovery. A commitment to science and exploration is most commendable. |
|
Damp Debacles of Notable Inconvenience |
Water tower pump malfunction in Gorham (11/1), burst pipe in Fieldhouse (12/29), & water leak in Abromson Community Center (12/29). |
One is reminded that pipes, like reputations, can crack under the slightest pressure. |
|
Questionable Decisions |
Reports of marijuana smell – Portland Commons (11/4 & 11/5) and Upton Hastings (11/6). Person discovered in clothing donation bin with feet sticking out on Portland Campus (11/10). Graffiti reported in Payson Smith (11/10). Theft reported from employee locker in McGoldrick (11/13). Intentional damage to a motor vehicle in the parking garage (12/15). A person smoking by Portland Commons entrance asked to move along (12/25). Materials confiscated from Philippi Hall (11/17) and Upper Class Hall (12/7). Policy violations: Portland Commons (11/5), Upton Hastings (11/9), Science Building (11/22). |
We can only hope that one’s impulses are tempered by good sense and a passing acquaintance with community expectations. Unfortunately, such is not always the case. |
|
Inconvenient Arrangement of Automobiles |
Metro bus on Gorham campus unable to circle around Russell Hall due to multiple vehicles parked outside of parking spots (12/1), car parked in front of Anderson Hall dumpster preventing trash pickup (11/19), School bus at Science building blocked in by vehicles and unable to depart (11/20), Car in lot P1 blocked in by a car parked outside of a space (12/15).  |
A civil community depends upon small courtesies, including the simple act of using approved parking spaces. If a suitable one is not immediately found, patience and an extra circuit are far preferable to blocking the way for others. |
|
The False Cry |
54 x 911 misdials: |
Do be careful not to bump the help buttons with your parasols and top hats. When using a callbox without the aid of a switchboard, remember that you dial 9, 1, area code, and phone to call off campus, not 911, etc. It is truly human to err and cannot be entirely avoided, however. So – if you should find yourself unwittingly on the line with a 911 operator, please do not hang up; let them know there is no emergency, save for a smidge of embarrassment.  |
|
Movements Both Peculiar and Poorly Timed |
Car vs. bollard in garage (11/3), car vs. car in lot G3 (11/17), car vs. deer at State St. and Husky Drive (11/18), car vs. parked car on Exeter St. lot (11/22), car vs. car hit and run in lot P6 (12/4), car vs. car in lot G3 (12/16), hit and run in garage (12/16), broken windshield in lot G12 (12/19), Portland neighbor’s fence damaged – perhaps by USM snowblower (12/23) and softball stadium fence damaged – perhaps by snow plow (12/26). |
Should your carriage come into unplanned contact with another, propriety requires that you leave your calling card and notify the local constabulary without delay. Notes left to the mercy of wind and rain are notoriously unreliable. What begins as an accident need not become a scandal through failure to do the right thing. |
|
Unwillingly Compelled to Linger |
Lockouts: Bailey Hall (11/14, 12/19, & 12/19), Payson (11/17, 11/19, & 12/24), Luther Bonney (12/23 & 12/24), Wishcamper (12/17), 126 Bedford St. (11/24), & 49 Exeter St. (12/8). Trapped in elevators: Bailey Hall (11/24 & 11/26), Portland Commons (12/14 & 12/16), and 246 Deering Ave (12/16). |
Should one find oneself ensnared by an uncooperative lift or obstinate door, do remain calm. |
|
Lacking in Decorum |
Person reported as walking around lot G20 in a suspicious manner – discovered to be looking for a lost item (11/2), male reported as walking around looking at cars in garage (11/4), ‘suspicious’ person reported near Science Building (11/21), noise complaint at Upper Class Hall (12/14), and noise complaint at Portland Commons (12/18 & 12/29).   |
Though no grand scandal announced itself, Suspicion most certainly sent its calling card. Always secure your carriages, as some may mistake an unlocked carriage as an invitation for trouble-making. |
|
Summon the Brigade |
Fire alarms in the dorms – Culprits: burnt food (11/13), humidity/dust (11/14), burnt toast (11/30), hairdryer (12/2), cooking chicken (12/3), burnt food (12/4), burnt bacon burgers (12/30), report of a burning smell (12/30), all in Gorham. |
We detect a common theme: the alarm voices what everyone else is too polite to say about the cooking. Patience and slower cooking can avoid a smoke-filled fiasco – according to my chef. |
|
Carriages In Distress |
Students with dead car batteries received jumpstarts twelve times. |
Getting the horses going on a cold morning can prove difficult. A handful of oats, a few cubes of sugar, or perhaps some jumper cables will hopefully do the trick.  |
Thus concludes the November and December Journal of Scandalous Affairs. A new year brings both promise and surprise. Tread carefully. Watch keenly. Be adventurous and keep your spirit ever curious. One never knows which secrets the year may hold.  Â
 Yours in ink and intrigue,
Captain Celia Stalwart
