Published: March 9, 2026
Dearest Gentle Reader,
As winter stretches on with a persistence that can only be described as stubborn, your faithful Chair of Curiosity has once again reviewed the most notable happenings recorded across our fair campus. The snow has lingered, the winds have howled, and our community’s carriages have staged a remarkable number of small dramas involving batteries, bumpers, snowbanks, and occasional misunderstandings of where exactly one ought to park.
| Classification of Misdeed | Report of Events for January and February 2026 | Observations from the Chair of Curiosity |
| Wayward Waterworks | Water leak at Costello Field House (1/10). Water leak in lower Brooks (2/1). Report of a burst water pipe in the new garage (2/22). | While fountains can be charming in the proper setting, plumbing is generally encouraged to remain within the pipes. |
| Far Too Creative Parking | Non-EV cars parked in EV spots: 6 Total (2/5), (2/10), 3 x (2/11), (2/23). Vehicles illegally parked in handicap accessible spots: 31 Total 6 x (2/2), (2/3), (2/5), (2/6), 4 x (2/7), (2/8), 2 x (2/9), 4 x (2/10), (2/11), (2/12), 3 x (2/17), (2/19), (2/20), 2 x (2/22), 2 x (2/25). Vehicles parked in non parking areas: 55 Total Parked in Fire Lane: 4 Total |
Remarkable creativity in determining what may or may not constitute a permissible parking space has created issues in fire lanes, accessible spots, electric charging stations, and even areas that are quite clearly not parking spaces. I beseech you, dear reader, to show particular care when approaching accessible spaces. These places are reserved for members of our community who rely upon them, and the retrieval of a towed carriage is both inconvenient and costly – a lesson best learned secondhand. |
| Winter Battery Blues | Jump Starts: Lot G11 (1/7), Garage (1/24), Lot G2 (1/25), Garage (1/26), Garage (1/27), Garage (1/28), Garage (1/29), Garage (2/1), Al Bean Drive (2/5), Philippi Hall (2/5), G11 (2/6), Garage (2/14), garage (2/16), and Lot G12 (2/28) | Across garages and parking lots alike, carriages have refused to stir until coaxed awake by the kindly assistance of campus officers. Let this serve as a gentle reminder that the cold cares little for one’s morning schedule. |
| Culinary Ambitions | Fire Responses: Upper Class Hall – burnt chicken (1/8). Upper Class Hall – candle (1/9). Portland Commons – burnt food in toaster oven (1/20). Upperclass Hall – burnt food (1/30). Upperclass Hall – burnt tacos (2/2). Upper Class Hall – burnt English muffin (2/6). Upper Class Hall (2/10). Philippi Hall (2/11). Upper Class Hall – hair dryer (2/13). Dickey Wood Hall (2/15). Upper Class Hall – burnt bacon (2/16). Upper Class Hall (2/17). Dickey Wood Hall (2/20). | Bacon, tacos, English muffins, and even an unfortunate chicken have met fiery fates that alerted entire buildings to their demise. While bold experimentation is the cornerstone of scholarship, one gently suggests that the aspiring chef remain within arm’s reach of the cooking apparatus. |
| Questionable Decisions | Criminal Trespass (1/14). Bus drivers asked not to leave buses parked and unattended in fire lanes (1/16). Confiscated marijuana from Robie-Andrews Hall (1/18). Traffic violation: Car illegally passing a bus on campus while the flashing lights were on (1/20). Items reported missing in Bailey Hall (1/21). Vehicles parked illegally in Lot G8 prevented access for USM bus (1/22). Alcohol violation: Underage drinking Upton Hastings (2/7). Criminal Mischief – Lot G11 Car egged (2/8). Report of vehicles driving on sidewalk to exit Lot G6 (2/10). Complaint: Flatbed truck blocking roadway at G17 (2/12). Report of a person intentionally clogging a toilet at Brooks. (2/19). Report of vulgar language be yelled behind Philippi Hall (2/25). Noise complaint, Portland Commons (2/27). Rude writing found on car (2/28). | A curious collection of events these last two months suggests that a moment’s pause before acting might serve many of us well. Whether on foot, behind the wheel, or in the midst of late-night inspiration, good judgment remains one of the most valuable companions a person can carry. The Chair of Curiosity gently encourages all readers to keep their wits about them—and perhaps ask themselves, just once more, “Is this truly a wise idea?” |
| Misguided Maneuvers | Car Accidents: Car vs. car hit and run parking garage (1/3). Car accident with property damage (1/19). Car vs. parked car lot G2 (1/26). Accident in Garage (1/29). Accident with property damage (2/4). Accident with property damage in parking garage (2/12). | Certain carriages upon campus have engaged in unscheduled meetings with one another or with stationary objects that were minding their own business. A slower pace and a watchful eye might preserve both bumpers and dignity. |
| The False Cry | 13 x 911 misdials: Bailey Hall elevator (1/19), Sports Complex (2/7), Sports Complex (2/7), College Ave (2/7), Upper Class Hall (2/14), Brooks Student Center (1/17), Upper Class Hall (2/19), Upper Class Hall (2/20), Science Building (2/21), Upper Class Hall (2/21), Wishcamper (2/25), Wishcamper (2/26), and Abromson (2/26) |
Buttons are pressed, bumped, or leaned upon, and before one knows it the gentle guardians of order are summoned for what turns out to be nothing more than an accidental nudge. Dear reader, a moment’s attention to one’s device may spare our campus watch from these unintended social calls. |
| Lingering of the Unfortunate Sort |
Stuck: Car stuck in snow G13 (1/20). Car stuck in snow G11 (1/27). Car blocked in by two other cars (1/28). Portland Commons Elevator (2/21). Car stuck in middle of road unable to start (2/22). | Inconveniences are rarely glamorous however they do provide a reminder that winter and machinery both possess a mischievous streak. Patience, and perhaps a shovel, remain excellent companions |
| Suspicious Encounters | Suspicious person reported in Masterton Hall (1/28). Suspicious person reported in garage (1/29). Suspicious person reported at mail room in Gorham (2/3). Suspicious person reported in Wishcamper (2/10). Report of a suspicious box in a classroom, Payson Smith (2/26). | It seems that a handful of mysteries have wandered through our halls of late—unfamiliar faces, unattended items, and other curiosities that prompted a prudent second look. The Chair of Curiosity applauds those who trusted their instincts and brought these matters to the attention of our ever-watchful officers. After all, when something seems out of place, it is better to ask a question than to ignore a mystery. |
| Wandering Keys | Lockouts: Luther Bonney (1/2), Bailey Hall (1/7), Wishcamper (1/8), Upton (1/12), Science (1/14), Upton (1/22), 49 Exeter (1/23), Luther Bonney (1/27), Luther Bonney (1/28), John Mitchell Center (1/31), Bailey Hall (2/2), Bailey Hall (2/3), Bailey Hall (2/4), Bailey Hall (2/4), Wishcamper (2/5), Corthell (2/6), Science (2/10), Hastings (1/10), Corthell (1/10), Hastings (1/10), Brooks (2/11), Corthell (2/11), Luther Bonney (2/12), Corthell (2/12), 228 Deering (2/13), Corthell (2/17), Old Law School (2/19), Russell Hall (2/21), Dickey Wood (2/21), Science (2/24), Abromson (2/25), 19 College Ave (2/26), Payson Smith (2/27), Science (2/28) | Keys and keycards, those small but mighty guardians of our buildings, have once again demonstrated their tendency to disappear at the most inconvenient moments. Offices, classrooms, and residence halls across campus have all hosted individuals gazing longingly at doors that refused to cooperate. One suspects many pockets and reticules will be checked twice in the weeks ahead. |
| Purloined Personal Effects | Fraud/Theft of Services: Boots stolen from Sullivan gym locker room (2/3). |
Among the many improprieties recorded recently, one stands out as particularly unbecoming: the disappearance of a lady’s boots from the Sullivan gym locker room. Whatever pressing need may have inspired such behavior, we must observe that relieving a lady of her footwear is conduct most decidedly out of fashion. One hopes the culprit reflects upon their manners—and reminds everyone to be vigilant against leaving your personal effects unguarded. |
Should fortune smile upon us, the next report from the Chair of Curiosity will contain fewer frozen batteries, fewer scorched breakfasts, and some signs of Spring. As every seasoned observer knows, when the thaw arrives it often uncovers more than hem-muddying terrain. Forgotten items and perhaps a secret or two that winter thought safely hidden may be revealed.
Yours in ink and intrigue,
Captain Celia Stalwart
