The Journal of Scandalous Affairs

Departure of the Quiet Kind

Deceased rabbit found on Portland Campus (9/30)

Nature, it appears, has turned a delicate page, and our rabbit acquaintance now graces a realm unseen, hopping beyond the veil.

Of Spirits & Spirits

Liquor Law Violations — Gorham Off Campus (9/13), Gorham Dormitories (9/13) & (10/13), and Glickman Library (10/10).

Let it be known that the indulgence of spirits must remain within the bounds of both law and good sense, lest merriment give way to mischief.

Rules Were Made To
Be Followed

Grounds Policy Violations—Refuse rummaging: Gorham (9/7), & 9/24), three bags of trash dumped on campus behind parking garage in Portland (10/1), student using unapproved sporting equipment (10/17), and people rummaging through clothing donation box in Portland (10/20).  

One must, of course, see to the proper disposal of one’s drinking vessels, and take care that no correspondence bearing one’s name be left to tell tales among the refuse.

The False Cry

False alarm 911 calls: Elevator tech performing testing in Portland Commons (9/3), 911 button hit with a shoe in Upperclass Hall (9/12), deliveryman when trying to reach Sodexo (9/19), mischief-makers pushing the 911 button in Upperclass Hall for fun (9/22), sleeping student rolled over on phone and called 911 in Gorham dorm (9/22), and 911 button hit with butt in Upperclass elevator (10/19) and accidentally, (10/30).

Please remember — cries for rescue, when unneeded, do little but weary the willing and vex the vigilant.

Rash Motoring

Dog reported in vehicle with windows up (9/3), hit and run car damage in garage (9/11), illegally parked vehicles inhibiting sidewalk repair in Portland (9/22),  collision in the parking garage (9/24), hit and run car damage in garage (10/4), assistance requested to help find parked car (10/14), hit and run car damage in lot P1 (10/23), and  hit and run car damage in parking garage (10/23),

If you have the misfortune of bumping into another carriage with your own, do leave a note with your contact information such that you may exchange insurance details. 

Unwillingly Compelled to Linger

Person stuck in elevator in Luther Bonney (9/21), people stuck in elevator in Bailey Hall (10/8), person stuck in office due to faulty locking mechanism in Portland (10/23), and person stuck in elevator in Sullivan (10/28).

Should one find oneself ensnared by an uncooperative lift or obstinate door, do remain calm. 

Lacking in Decorum

Person yelling on Durham St. (9/5), urinating in a less-than-appropriate place in Portland (9/19), noise complaint in Portland Commons (9/25), and a mysterious note left on a student’s car in Gorham (10/6).

Society thrives—or collapses—upon the delicate balance of courtesy and an unwavering respect for those with whom we share its stage.

Fire, or the Lack Thereof

Fire alarms in the dorms  – Culprits: burnt bacon in Gorham (9/2), burnt sausage in Gorham (9/22), hot clothes dryers in Gorham (9/24), dust from cleaning in Gorham (10/4), hair dryer in Gorham (10/23), cooking in Portland (10/26), and shower steam in Gorham (10/27).  No actual fires recorded in September or October, thus far.

This author advises that culinary ambition be tempered with prudence — for while a flambé may impress, an accidental inferno rarely does.

Waking the Dead

Students with dead car batteries received jumpstarts seven times.

Kindly remember to turn off your headlights after parking your carriage.