I’m Thaddeus Moriarty, and you are wrong. Why?

Because you think I’m funny. Or you think I’m not funny. Either way, that’s why you’re wrong this time. Because someone, somewhere, disagrees with you no matter what you think. I’ve heard it both ways; a woman on the Free Press website said I was witty (and so now we’re getting married), while on the other hand I’ve heard that some people find my writing persona to be “arrogant” and “self-entitled,” to which I say “phtbhbt.” It’s not my fault I know everything about stuff and junk you’re wrong about. Slow your roll, Starfox.

“Funny” is an awfully relative doodad, which makes being funny a less-than-paltry task. This isn’t meant to be a fishing expedition for Moby Pity, but rather a simple fact: trying to write something that people will find “funny” is harder than Donald Trump’s hairgel. What I find humorous could be, and likely is, spectacularly different from what you do. It makes for a more-difficult-than-you-probably-expect adventure to scribe something that most people will crack a grin at, but I do what I can for you, dear reader. (Okay, now you can pity me a little.)

So what is funny? The chapter of my autobiography (entitled You Can Put the Ferrets Wherever The Hell You Want To, Doug). Covering the last few months writing for the paper would be nothing more than me going over every joke in my columns that was supposed to be funny but failboated. (The chapter would be called “Humor: A Retrospective,” but that sounds an awful lot like a Shia LeBouf film, and I hate that dude.) And it’s all because my funny is different than yours or his or hers. Thus, here we are in the most meta thing that I’ve written in “You Are Wrong” to date, (which is an awfully meta column in itself): what Thaddeus Moriarty laughs at. Other than you, you incorrect twit.

What is funny? Joe Biden jokes are funny. If you follow me on Twitter (which you totally should if you don’t,) you’ll find that my wry sense of humor is only exacerbated and amplified by the jokes of the untold masses that you find on Tworld Twide Tweb. Among these jokes are a series of tweets assuming that Vice President Joe Biden is a hapless, ne’er-do-well and describe his daily life. My favorite (for the moment) is “Joe Biden’s Search History: ‘what is a vice president;’ ‘who lives in a pineapple under the sea;’ ‘what is the economy;’ ‘how to clean off glitter.’” In my head, I picture VP Joe sitting around at home and reading these while he snickers and watches TiVo’d DRAGNET.

What is funny? Schadenfreude is funny. For those of you who haven’t seen Avenue Q, allow me to sum up: schadenfreude is a German word describing the feeling of pleasure at the expense of someone else. When you laugh at your friend because she collapsed into a human pile of spaghetti during a conversation with a cute guy, those warm fuzzies you feel are called schadenfreude. And it’s hilariously funny. Some of you might think it’s mean to get genuine pleasure out of someone else’s misfortune, but you’re guilty of it every time you laughed because it wasn’t you in someone else’s bad situation. So get off your high horse, Starfox.

What is funny? Funny is telling the Free Press graphic designer three weeks ago you that you were going to mention Natalie Portman in a green bikini riding a winged polar bear through the Taj Mahal in a column so she would draw her. But what’s really funny? Actually doing it. (Sorry, Ellie. Godspeed.)

What is funny? Realizing that I’ve now called Obama a lizardman and Biden a ne’er-do-well in consecutive weeks is funny. I may never be allowed to fly commercial air again. Although now I have a new title, Thaddeus Moriarty, Supremely Correct Mocker Of Men.

What is funny? The word mocker is funny. So are the words grok, skullduggery, linoleum, balderdash, and brouhaha. So is the number 27, just ask Weird Al Yankovic.

But you want to know what the funniest thing of all is? Me too; then more people would read my column (womp womp)! The funniest thing of all is this: we all have our own funny, and it makes the world a seriously amusing place everyday, all day, 24/7/365. Think about it. Some people, some wheres, find clouds funny. And some find pigeons or fruit snacks or buses or pencil shavings or your mom funny. And maybe you find newspapers chuckle-worthy, and as you hold this you smile the whole time. And maybe, just maybe, some of you think “You Are Wrong” is a little funny. And that all means that the whole world, at one moment or another of every single day, has its laughs. Which is a pretty awesome thing. But honestly, if you don’t think I’m funny … you are wrong.)

Thaddeus Moriarty is a senior history major.


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