I’m Thaddeus Moriarty, and you are wrong. Why?

Because you think that March is good for anything at all. After a long winter’s passing, full of holidays and holy days, and then the busy beginning of classes and the headfirst slide into the first break of the semester, March is about as dull as a box of hair. Sure, there’s St. Patrick’s Day, but — let’s face it — is it really all that novel to drink oneself into a snowbank instead of doing, you know, anything else? All that March has to offer us is a tease of warmer weather that is still an April blizzard away, and yet another school break ten minutes after the last one. Yawnburger with a side of snores, garçon.

Lucky for you then, dear reader, that you have me here. For I have established a new set of holidays to be celebrated in March to break from the monotony of the season and for the sake of all of our collective sanities.

March 1: March Genius’ Day. We all know of April Fools’ Day, of course; that day when you can act like an ass to your friends and a simple blurting of “APRIL FOOLS!” is enough to make them not stuff you into the nearest recycling bin. Well, a month earlier we shall celebrate March Genius’ Day, a time to surprise and shock your friends with the enormity of your intellect. No more pretending to be pregnant on Facebook or crushing your buddy’s bike with a snowplow, now you can Sharpie |z|^2-2z=1+2i on their forehead and walk around talking in a haughty accent whilst wearing a monocle. Genius!

March 9: National Board Game Night. Earlier this month, the Gorham campus held a “Regression Day” event at which participants finger-painted, watched cartoons and drank Juicy Juice, thereby “regressing” to a younger age (although to me this is a typical Saturday evening). Well, I like this idea, but let’s just skip the juice and play ourselves some board games all night. Why? Because I want an excuse to play board games, dangit!

I don’t want to have to wait until my nonexistent children (Rubber Duckie Moriarty, Flux Capacitor Moriarty and their sister Ezri Dax Moriarty) are born in order to sit around on my butt and play Risk and Clue and Settlers of Catan with people who actually care. It will be the one day of the year when all Americans will be forc—er, encouraged — to play board games. With me.

March 12: Spirit Animal Day. Everyone has a spirit animal, whether you know what it is or not. Similar to the ghostly Patronuses of the Harry Potter universe, somewhere deep inside you in the natural guiding force that makes you who you are, and aspects of that animal can be seen in everything that you do and value. On March 19, everyone will embrace that inner nature and wear a Hawks jersey; or dress up in a lemur costume; or take a ferry ride to be closer to the orca to honor whatever form their spirit animal might take. Mine’s David Duchovny.

March 19: Talk Like Bill Cosby Day. Why should pirates be the only funny voice to have their own holiday? Hint: they shouldn’t. So get you zip-zops and your waffa-mooglies ready, because today we all talk like Bill Cosby. Heck, even throw on a horrid sweater for good measure.

Coherence is over-rated, my friends, so shamma-lamma that diddly whoop-zi-bop, zerberts.

March 27: Thaddeus Moriarty Day. That’s right, my day. In celebration of the birth of the writer of this column, all citizens of the world will hold hands in friendship and reverence, sing Matchbox Twenty songs to the light of bonfires of math textbooks and eat Taco Bell. There will be solidarity and peace as humankind bands together to play board games. With me. Some more. In lieu of presents, donate a dollar to the USM History Department.

However you choose to spend your upcoming March, dear reader, remember to celebrate it. Heck, just celebrate a Happy Wednesday every Wednesday. Make March rock. Because right now, March is pretty meh.

Don’t think so? Well, you are wrong.

Thaddeus is a senior history major, and he is right.


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