Football at USM scores big time

President Richard Pattenaude announced the death of a bill that if passed would have forced the University to explore the cost of establishing a football team at USM. Fortunately, in this time of budget cuts, the Education Committee decided to encourage the school to consider the idea at a more appropriate time. I would suggest postponing this idea until the school’s money tree goes into fruition. In case you missed it, the money tree (Lignum moneta) is the tree that never seems to grow planted next to the billing department.

Now, let me make it clear: I am not an athlete, but I am a huge athletic supporter. Sports like football bring a lot to a school: The inclusion of homoerotic sports in the athletic department is essential for diversity (football, like Greco-Roman wrestling and male-cheerleading, falls into this category). It provides a contained way for men and women to work off stress and anger in a safely competitive arena and at the same time reminds the community of a barbaric background where playing with pig skins was the closest thing to “Grand Theft Auto.” In addition, football teaches invaluable teamwork skills-so much for the go-it-alone strategy-that will last a lifetime.

But why not a football team now? Aside from the issue of money matter, a far greater hurdle is the lack of a fight song: How can we have fight if we don’t have a fight song? Sure, the fans could make a bunch of guttural exuberant sounds, but image the terror USM would strike into the hearts of its opponents if all 11,000 students were to rise up in one accord singing in perfect harmony:

Fight, O ye colors: Blue and gold

Scare those fools: make their blood run cold…

You get the idea. But, if something like that is too traditional for a forward thinking school like USM, why not a show tune? The future football team, drama students, and anyone who has ever begun a sentence with “this one time at band camp” could go on a relationship building retreat for one week each year and write a spoof of a show tune that would fill our opponents with dread, and provide a catchy little sound track for those fabulous touchdown dances.