I am thankful for Thanksgiving. The annual turkey day feast, which mandates a nap, copious amounts of pie consumption and NFL football on a weekday, occupies rarefied ground among American holidays. Its biggest weakness may be that it ushers in the holiday shopping season. I don’t want to sound like a Sudafed snorting nihilist but Christmas makes me a little crazy. I hate diamond commercials. I hate commercials for cellular telephones that can perform a variety of functions unrelated to placing telephone calls. I hate the commercials for the new Tom Clancy inspired video game, “Rainbow Six,” that features a chorus of children singing “My country ’tis of ‘thee” as background music.
Christmas has become an economic stimulus package. I guess there’s no better way to celebrate the birth of man who gave away all of his belongings and preached the love of people then throwing a hip check on an unsuspecting woman en route to a tickle me Elmo doll. Nothing says, “I love you,” like a diamond purchase that funds a civil war in a ravaged African nation.
This holiday season I’ll be seeking refuge in bourbon and NFL football. This time of year, professional football gets deliciously interesting. With twelve games decided there are teams with a chance at the playoffs and those without. There are good teams and bad. My team, the New York Giants, died a death of underachievement and mediocrity.
Thankfully, Thanksgiving spared me the embarrassing predicament of having to pick them to a win a Monday night football game. Two weeks ago the Giants traveled to Tampa Bay to take on the Bucs in a battle of wildly underachieving 4-6 teams fighting for respectability. The Giants were getting 5.5 points and feeling vulnerable, masochistic and confused I layed heavy on them to win.
They didn’t Jim Fassel, in a lousy imitation of Bill Belicheck, took an intentional safety late in the game that put the Bucs up by six and left me wondering if I would have to sell my body in front of the Mellen Street market to cover the cost of the Christmas presents I must buy in order to be considered a functioning member of society.
It’s tough enough as it is to function as a Giants fan. Their games are like a horribly ineffective form of lithium. After watching I am usually drooling, unaware of my surroundings and muttering incoherently. My body is numb but I am supremely aware of the nebulous deep-seated angst coursing through my body. Things need to change with the Giants and my only hope is that they will use this off-season to transform their offensive line. It’s either that or I bribe a doctor to prescribe me valium and resign to spending my Sundays drifting calmly through a sedative induced haze.
This week’s Monday night game is tough to call – for about a minute. The 9-3 division leading Rams travel to Cleveland, the city once governed by a bulletproof vest clad Dennis Kucinich, to take on the hapless Browns. The Browns are a bad team. They fired their star receiver – Kevin Johnson – earlier in the year, and come into the game on the hells of being ravaged by the Seahawks. That 34-7 blowout was proceeded by a loss stagnant Pittsburgh Steelers. The Browns have no running game (ever heard of James Jackson?) and a quarterback named Kelly.
That being said, the Rams do not play well on the road. Their three losses this season all came away from St. Louis, and the boys in Vegas seem nervous about the turf-bound Rams going into Cleveland on Monday night. The Browns are only getting four points, and while the Rams do tend to look like school girls playing on the road in tough conditions they should have enough to beat the Browns and cover the spread. I just can’t bring myself to condone betting money on the success of the Browns. I don’t like the idea of betting on the Rams to win on the road, but they need the game especially since home-field advantage for the playoffs could put them in the Super Bowl. If the weather gets savage in Cleveland, the game could be close for a quarter or two, but I don’t envision the upset coming to fruition.
Craig Giammona can be contacted at [email protected]