First I lost my job (downer). Then my son was born (upper). Two weeks later, my wife said she couldn’t deal with the situation of both of us working full-time and going to school full-time, took the baby and left. (Downer!)
Due to this little roller coaster ride, I broke into a million pieces. I went on welfare. Ate whatever I wanted and just generally crashed. A couple of friends hung out with me and kept me together. I’m told that I’m a bright capable person. But given that all I was after was a warm happy home, and all hope of that seemed to walk away, what was the point of trying? A short while later, I was diagnosed as clinically depressed. (Big surprise!)
After a while in therapy, I developed (with the help of a GREAT psychologist) the habit of counting out the good things in my life. Any time I’m down now the count just sort of happens. Sort of an emotional restart sequence. Three months of Zoloft was also helpful. Overall this took about ten years.
After a while, on a more even keel, I realized that during my dark time I was depressed no matter what happened. No matter how bad or GOOD the day was, I stayed down. Based on that, I decided that maybe I should try being up without regard to the world around me. Sometimes it’s very hard to be up and cheerful when you have to take four caffeine pills to get up and go in to your third-shift job. But it can be done (most of the time!). I had started off with the idea that whether one was up or down was out of one’s control so this was a major change for me. I have found that being positive seems to bring out good in the people around me. And when a situation becomes frustrating I can either laugh or cry. Crying steals energy from me, laughing brings energy into me.
Now for the disclaimer. I’m not suggesting that people should set up a train wreck in their lives so they can learn something. Think ahead and try to avoid these things. Yes, I’m saying do as I say not as I do. But sometimes that seeming hypocrisy will save you a lot of tears. Some of the people around me can motivate themselves by reaching for an ideal or goal. Some of us are motivated by the realization that this is the frying pan and that’s the fire. I’m cheerful because being down amounts to jumping out of the frying pan into the fire intentionally.
For what it’s worth, I’ll try to keep it down if it look’s like you haven’t had your first cup of coffee for the day. People who are cheerful first thing in the morning are abominable. But, while I may get knocked down, I won’t take a dive. And I won’t stay down. If you have a problem with the fact that I stay cheerful and positive no matter what gets thrown at me, you have a problem. As it turns out , on Thursday, Oct. 10 in Portland Campus Center Room C there will be free screening for these sorts of problems. Contact Janis Mallon at 780-4697 if you are interested.
I walked in the shadow for a while and found something there. Use it if you can, toss it if you can’t.