Returning home can be tough, especially if spreading your wings at college has given you a new view of freedom. Relax. The trick is to identify the potential traps before you get trapped.
The Problems:
Privacy. This is the biggest issue, experts say. Parents simply have a hard time not being parental, so they may be prone to give advice or tell you what to do. There may also be questions about your comings and goings. You haven’t had to answer to anyone in a while, and you may resent even the thought of having to do it again.
Space. You’ve had your things pretty much the way you like them at school, but now your parents are in control, and it can feel oppressive. Perhaps your bedroom is now a home gym or there is no more room for your CD collection.
Different expectations. Your idea of being back may include “maid service,” but your parents may have a different idea. They may even expect you to contribute financially!
Feeling like a kid again. Often at the root of practical issues is a resentment of feeling reduced in status. Most people tend to regress to a kid’s level when they are in their parents’ home, regardless of their age.
Some solutions:
Act like an adult. This means taking care of yourself – just like while you were away at school. If you throw your clothes all over the floor and expect dinner on the table, this immediately puts you in the child mode and provokes your parents into their caretaking mode. When you act like an adult your parents are apt to let their guard down and begin treating you like one.
Go overboard. Aside from doing your fair share, you may want to do even more, like offering to cook dinner or ttakingyour parents out to eat. This will show your parents you aren’t really that little kid anymore. And they may treat you differently – but need concrete actions to help them do it.
Be accountable. It may be a relief to your parents to have you away because it means they don’t have to worry about you. So when it comes to accountability, it’s best to cooperate and tell your parents what time you’ll be home rather than getting into a power struggle. It has more to do with reducing parental worry than taking away a kid’s independence.
Consider yourself a guest. Imagine you are staying with a 55-year-old married couple. You’ve already learned to negotiate with roommates, so why not apply those same skills to getting along with your parents?
Talk things out before arriving home. Talk about your expectations and ask your parents to tell you about theirs. Bring up everything from having friends over to using the phone. This way you’ll know the boundaries and not make the mistake of crossing them.
Communicate, don’t obfuscate. Be willing to talk about issues rather than letting them fester. Keep communication open and be willing to address problems as they occur, not later when our memories can distort things in our favor.
Take responsibility. It’s your choice to return home and not your parents’. If you don’t like where you are, plan on being in a better situation in the future. This may minimize your feelings of constraint.
Source: BE magazine, Anna Roufus