I do not like the Miami Dolphins. They are a shabby, poor man’s football team, coddled by Miami’s warm climate and perpetually unable to win late season games. The city of Miami is made of recycled plastic. The people of Miami are fabricated from used sports car parts and silicone. Miami is a bad sports town. Last Sunday Pro Player stadium was riddled with empty seats. People in Miami had better things to do — oil their steroid-filled muscles, massage their fake breasts, buy new sunglasses, jump on the Marlins bandwagon — than watch their beloved Dolphins take on division rival New England for first place. And I do not trust Dave Wannstedt’s mustache.
That being said, the Miami Dolphins are not a bad football team. They have a strong secondary, a great running back, and savage linebackers. At 4-2, they are in the thick of a tight AFC East race, but it is early in the season. Things normally start to unravel for the Dolphins as Thanksgiving approaches and temperatures in Foxborough, New York City, Buffalo, and a host of other NFL cities drop below forty degrees. Ricky Williams has to take a double dose of paxil to get ready to play in the cold, and snow drives him to the brink of a debilitating anxiety attack. This, however, should not be a problem this Monday night as Miami travels to San Diego to take on the sputtering Chargers. The Chargers started the season 0-5, getting off the snide this past week with a win over the Cleveland Browns. LaDainian Tomlinson, the Chargers’ electric running back, scorched the porous Browns run defense for 200 yards and a touchdown, but Dru Brees continues to prove mediocre. Brees just is not a great quarterback. Key off-season acquisition and ‘roid-rage freak David Boston has been too busy riding out violent mood swings to bond with Brees, and as a result the Chargers are very one-dimensional. The Chargers are scoring just 19.2 points a game, while their defense is giving up 28.2 points a game and 137 yards on the ground. The Chargers, who lost defensive stalwart and team leader Junior Seau to the Dolphins in the off-season, have been torched by Jamal Lewis, Clinton Portis, and Priest Holmes.
The Dolphins offense has also struggled with predictability. They were shut down by Bill Belichick and the Patriots this past week and have struggled at times to get deep threat Chris Chambers involved in the offense. That being said, the Dolphins should have enough to beat the Chargers, who will have trouble bottling up Ricky Williams. If Williams runs wild, he could find himself on the horse trailer and the Chargers could find themselves deeper in the damp, mold-ridden wine cellar of the AFC West. The Dolphins secondary should shut down San Diego’s feeble passing game, leaving Seau and Zach Thomas to bruise and batter Tomlinson. I like the Dolphins in this one, but I sense that this could be a close game with solid performances from both running backs. If Tomlinson gets saucy, the Dolphins could be in trouble.
Editor’s Note: Quarterback Jay Fielder is questionable. Brian Griese is the Dolphins back up.