Helping Hands: dirty talk, gay porn and open relationships

I’ve been told you should never keep condoms in your wallet. How can I be prepared for unexpected sex? – John

It is true: all the heat and pressure in your wallet can really damage a condom’s structural integrity. Oh, how I miss the days when you could just stuff a box into your fanny pack or keep one clipped to a visor.  Fashions have changed, and if you refuse to jump on the European male carry-all craze, your best bet is a discreet support system of prophylactics in every place you expect to get lucky: a hollowed-out book in your library, the coin slot of your car, cavity of a tree along your favorite stretch of woods.  You can complement that network by just having a little condom cash on hand at all times, and your impromptu intercourse should be well-accounted for.

I found gay porn on my boyfriend’s web history. How do I bring this up? – Jane

You’ve gotten yourself into a very difficult situation, Jane. It’s hard to concoct a scenario where you weren’t snooping on the poor guy, but now you have information that will eat away at you every time he points out a sharp pair of slacks on another fella.

The most angelic tactic would be fessing up to your snoopage, but a more realistic solution might be to prompt a discussion on sexuality, perhaps by renting “The Crying Game” or “Deliverance.”  But don’t neglect a third: just getting over it. If your sex life is good, and you trust vagina isn’t something he merely tolerates, let the guy enjoy his virtual gay getaways now and then.

My orgasms are naturally silent. Should I fake the noise? – Jane

Being yourself is almost always the best advice, but sure as hell not here. Having to constantly check your partner’s vital signs is seriously unsexy.  But cheer up, because there’s an alternative to faking the rabid moans and squeaks that would come natural: become a talker. There’s a slight chance it’s not your companion’s cup of tea, but a lot of people appreciate sleazy nothings being whispered or barked into their ear in the heat of passion. The great thing is you don’t even have to be a great improviser – the most clichéd stuff will do the trick.

I’m super-psyched, cause my girlfriend and I are about to open up our relationships. Why aren’t more relationships open? – John

Oh, John. We hate to generalize, everybody is different, blah blah blah. But as two college sex experts, we can’t ignore the common patterns with these things. Maybe one member of the couple will get luckier than the other, which will lead to jealousy, and possibly the ‘winner’ coming to the conclusion that their mate isn’t faring too well for a reason. Then there’s the high likelihood of developing feelings for one of your “side partners,” and what do you know? All of a sudden, you’re pining for the sweet security of monogamy, but with somebody else.

In other words, open relationships are a minefield, littered with every opportunity to hurt and be hurt. Helping Hands recommends them only to hardened stoics, or those attracted to pain and drama anyway. Breaking up sucks, but it’s like the sensation of ripping off a Band-Aid versus removing your own teeth with a hunting knife.