Your Questions Answered by Lacey Rodham and Pete Plowers
My neighbors have loud sex. How can I confront them? – Jane
The sex may stick out in your mind, but this is ultimately an issue of neighborly courtesy. So there’s no need for you to be specific. Maybe you’re just referring to them watching “Glee” with the volume up too loud…even if you both know it was actually his girlfriend’s cries for him to go deeper, deeper and him loudly referring to himself as “Big Dog.” But keep it vague and the embarrassment will be minimal. In the event that they don’t stop, it’s time to bang on the walls. This could be traumatic for their sexual union, but they’re leaving you with very few options.
Two of my female friends want to have a threesome. I’m nervous. What do I do? – John
That you’re asking the question means you’re interested. If not, just say no. If it’s just jangly nerves, you have to ask yourself whether this is a friendship that could withstand a) knowing what one another look like nude, and b) knowing what you each look like in the throes of ecstasy. The enormous pressure has rendered great men impotent. Study up on the numerous ways you might please a lady if your John Thomas isn’t quite up to the task.
A lesser concern might be stamina. To avoid crashing right out of the gate, it can be helpful to have a “onesome” beforehand to lighten your load.
Girls always want me to use a condom, but I want to ejaculate on them. How can I still do it? – John
The obvious solution — removing the condom at the last second and coating them in your love result — could indeed be awkward. You and your partner should discuss other activities in addition to intercourse, such as mutual masturbation, which would let you play out your little fireman fantasy without messing with rubbers. But ask first. You could do so sexily — “Oh baby, I want to [blank] on your [blanks]” — but don’t just assume it’s alright.
Is there really such thing as the “out of state” rule? – Jane
I assume you’re referring to the mythological loophole in monogamous relationships where behavior that occurs across state lines can’t be counted as “infidelity,” per se. This newspaper’s sexual anthropologists have traced the myth to a practice in which men and women would feel less constrained by their relationships when traveling, as their partner would be less likely to know that they’d hooked up with other people.
We can’t condone cheating, at all…but we’d also like to point out that social networking has made it more difficult. You can be found, identified, called out and embarrassed, even if you live in Minneapolis and the orgy was in Wisconsin. An alias might help, but software is just on the horizon that will allow searching for faces on the web.
Got a bedroom conundrum?
Drop us a line in the comments below and we’ll help out.
Anonymously, of course.