eprechaun. He doesn’t seem like a normal leprechaun. On first glance, one can immediately tell he’s not right – he must have some internal emotional problems. He protects a bowl of cereal from children for starters, and he’s not even good at it. He is in fact terrible. One day, many years ago, I was staked out in a tree searching for the elusive possum, when I saw Lucky prancing along, approaching a group of kids. The children viciously assaulted Lucky and stole his bowl of Lucky Charms. Being a leprechaun, Lucky tried to keep a cheery demeanor, but here’s what went down next:
Lucky: Hearts, stars and horseshoes, clovers and.Okay, seriously guys it’s not funny anymore.
Child: (Laughing) Come get your cereal Lucky the Loser!
Lucky: That’s not my name! You think it’s easy being a leprechaun who protects a bowl of cereal? Huh do ya? Well, it’s not! You think growing up I ever got invited to other leprechaun’s birthday parties? No, no I wasn’t. I was Lucky the Loser with his bowl of delicious sugary, marshmallow cereal. Everyone else had giant pots o’ gold. I’ve never had a girlfriend. Heck, I’ve never even touched a girl. And my parents don’t make matters much better either.”
Child: Wow, what an absolute loser. Thanks for the cereal ass face.
Lucky: Wait, I’m serious. I need that bowl back. It’s my grandpa’s and I promised.Oh forget it.
I imagine that this is a typical day for Lucky. Ineffectively defending himself while trying to obtain the slightest bit of sympathy from his peers. I never found a possum in that tree, but I hypothesized that after Lucky had his bowl stolen he slinked home only to meet his pissed off father.
Lucky: Hey, dad.
Dad: Lucky, where is your pot o’ cereal?
Lucky: Dad! It’s not a pot ok? It’s a bowl! It’s a bowl of cereal!
Lucky: Don’t you talk to me like that young man! That was your grandfather’s pot o’ cereal and he left that to you after Tony the Tiger shoved a spoon-killed him. You know that Lucky!
Lucky: Dad, I’m sorry. I know, it’s just that the kids.
Dad: Son, no one ever said being a leprechaun that protects a pot o’ cereal would be easy! But it’s your destiny. Just like it was your grandfather’s and mine. The honor has now been passed down to you.
Lucky: Ya, well I wish you weren’t my dad! I hate you!
Lucky would then probably run away, buy some Smack from Smacky the Frog, and get all funked up with Snap, Crackle, and Pop while they threw eggs at Frankenberry’s house. Lucky would then wake up the next day in a piss stained bed, crying because he doesn’t hate his father. Lucky hates himself.
Jake Cowan is a young man who attends USM and makes jokes.