Attention USM Students:
There are several things that have come across my desk this week that may be crucial for the improvement of your winter. The University Community Recreation & Fitness Program offers a few forms of athletic entertainment at discounted rates that I could not let go unheard. Many of these offers have hidden appeals that are not announced to you through simple advertisement. I have no ties to any of these companies, so I have several unbiased suggestions that are offered if you look into these deals with the right kind of eyes.
Skiing is discounted to students. This is a positive thing. Yet many students, even if they do take advantage of the ski pass, will never use it in the most efficient manner. You have to remember that we are Americans; the common maxim in any situation would be to say, “I want the most bang for my buck.”
It costs $399 dollars to ski for the season at Sunday River or Sugarloaf providing you purchase the pass before Dec. 16. The ownership of this ski pass is an opportunity that should not be overlooked.
Let’s just say you have a friend who looks similar to you. You are of the same gender and are within five inches and 50 pounds of this person, you can easily cut the cost in half. Remember that when walking up to a lift operator you are always wearing goggles and a scarf or some other type of concealing garb over your face. Foolproof.
If you go in alone on the whole ski pass deal, remember that renting the pass to others is always an option. After eight days skiing, the pass has already paid for itself. So renting it for $20, per se, to a good friend that is of the same gender as you, will put money in your pocket and will allow you to maximize profits. That weekend that you can’t utilize your ski-pass, make sure, at least, that a fellow student can use it for the sake of University spirit, if nothing else. This is not immoral–believe me. It is expected and easy. A Shawnee Peak pass only costs $199, payable in a check made out to USM or by MasterCard, Visa, and even Discover.
This is only one way to utilize your ski pass and effectively get the most bang for you buck. Also, the Sugarloaf pass can be a viewed as a ticket to a whole new and warped world…
If hard-up for multiple days of skiing, a sure bet is to mingle for a while in the lodge area. When you see a fellow that reeks of cheap whiskey, has dreadlocks, and looks like he hasn’t been able to calculate time past the 1970s (or has at least two of these three qualities), this person is from the University of Maine at Farmington. Not definitely, I mean it could be any old ski bum, but most likely, especially if they are passed out in the corner for a midday siesta, this is a student from our sister school UMF. The Beavers.
These are good people, if you can get over the inherent lethargy that comes with the nature of living in that stagnant town for too many months. Time is relevant to these drones, but who is to say that there is anything wrong with majoring in skiing. I suggest hooking up with a UMF student immediately. This is the best route for gaining the opportunity of free lodging in Farmington for weekend ski trips. Of course, this tactic is only effective if selecting the Sugarloaf pass because this is where you will find the Farmington crowd. Which may be your best buy anyway for quality skiing.
If you don’t by chance run into a person from Farmington while at Sugarloaf, your next step would be to stop in the town on your way back to Portland. By knocking on a dorm room window at the school, you will easily be able to ascertain free lodging for the evening.
The last time I passed through that town I threw snowballs at my old dorm room window. An odd character with dreadlocks poked his head out the window followed by a massive cloud of smoke. I don’t know who he thought I was, but he called me Ed for the rest of my stay there and let me sleep in his bed while he took the floor. But that is just a vague description of my last strange excursion in that town.
If you are lucky, the good people of Farmington will be sipping some Red Rose wine and listening to Pink Floyd albums backwards. It would almost be a crime if you didn’t run into this crowd. These are just suggestions though, and the first things that came to mind when the ads for discounts on recreation and fitness events came across my desk. Don’t forget to ski, but that is the obvious feature of having a season’s pass.
Another offer that came by my desk is the Portland Pirates party. A group of 15 students can get quarter deck seats at the Portland Pirates games for only $8 a head. This isn’t a bad price, but you can get $6 seats and make up your own row if you really want to. I’ve never been to a game that was near full capacity. Just tell security that you will sit in section Z, then walk by them with a smile and find a cozy little place right near the ice, so close that you are in range to hear every pitch of a player’s grunt when he smashes into the boards and the butt of a stick is jammed under his sternum.
In any case, a trip to the Pirates game will not set you back much money, it might however enlighten you…
My favorite part of the Pirates atmosphere is the fanatic mascot-types that aren’t on the Pirates payroll; they are just passionate zealots with an abnormal fascination with the minor league hockey circuit. This is not a terrible thing. An obsession with the Portland Pirates is a harmless thing when compared to an obsession with many other things or people or substances offered around the city.
The reality is that in order to be a Pirates zealot, it seems that you probably have an obsession with several other things besides the Pirates. For one, you have to enjoy violence and be willing to consider fighting vicariously while fists are flying on the ice to be one of the most thrilling aspects of living, and two, a Portland Pirates addiction is compounded by the willingness to drink absurd amounts of cheap beer and to expose yourself in every sense of the word.
Pirates zealots, for instance, when confused by the hazy reality of intoxication may have the tendency to tear off their clothes and burst out screaming at the opposing team as if the Worcester Ice Cats were to blame for anything that has gone foul in their lives. It is this type of intensity that makes the Pirates discount one of the best buys in town.
If you catch the game on the right day and have taken advantage of the University’s offer, you and fourteen other people ready to be entertained may have the opportunity to catch an intoxicated zealot with the drunken confidence to actually brawl with the entire roster of the Manchester Monarchs. By chance, you could observe a crazed lunatic throw himself into the opposing team’s bench area and throw a good shot at the coach. Last time I was there, they had to haul a guy off for pouring beer over the head of a referee because the ref had the nerve to stop a fight before anyone was bleeding.
Just suggestions though, because if I wasn’t to reveal these spectacular deals to the student body, I doubt anyone else would. During the holiday season, just remember these great values offered through the University. All payable in the form of a check made out to USM, MasterCard, Visa, and even Discover.