Printed: August 25, 2025
Gentle Reader,
(Or, to be more precise, esteemed observer of human folly,)
The game is afoot.
With the opening of a new semester comes fresh opportunities for vice, misconduct, and scandal. As an ever-curious sleuth, this author will be chronicling the campus malfeasance. This will not be mere gossip or whispered hearsay, but curious deductions derived from logic and examination of the evidence.
While this author enjoys a good mystery, it is incumbent upon the esteemed members of USM to report iniquity with prudence. It is only with diligent observations and assured accounts from all associated with the university that help can be dispatched to all sorts of tomfoolery. It is this aid that helps to ensure the USM retains the safety and security that allows our community to be a sanctuary.
Of course, I shall not name names, unless entirely necessary, because there is nothing more deceptive than an obvious fact. It is with these things in mind that I bid you a favorable school year.
Yours in ink and intrigue,
Captain Celia Stalwart