Delirious from lack of food and rest, I have been wandering around Portland the last few weeks in an odd mood. I have been attempting to balance the closing of the school year with a new love, my financial problems, and my sister’s wedding in May. These things when listed together seem ominous to me, and as every day passes I become more and more anal about keeping track. I have become a machine lately, thinking only of the expectations and obligations I am attempting to fulfill. I am constantly making lists of what I have to do and how I can do it all. I feel computerized, processing my inner anxieties and spitting them out into a journal of revised to-do lists and juggling-act schedules.
Alas, I am not a computer. Behind the screen is a normal 20-year-old girl with only one constant thought: I have almost completed my first year of college.
College is a big deal to me. I looked forward to college when I was young, believing it to be a place where true learning begins, while grade school is just a distraction for children so adults can work. I saw college students around me (I lived in a small college town during my adolescence) and thought how big and smart they looked. How cool they were. I was also taught that one cannot succeed in this world anymore without a college degree. My father always pushed this notion, and I didn’t truly understand it for a long time.
It was only after taking two years off and traveling that I realized why college is so important to employers. Commitment. An employer wants to see that you decided to do something, you followed through, and you stuck with it.
Which is not to say that other aspects of college are unimportant, like finishing with a reasonably good GPA, cuz hey, one might as well learn something while paying for it. And it’s an important lesson in life, as well, because it acts as a transition period between living with mommy and daddy and living on one’s own with no help from anyone else. I am also not saying that alternative means of education and other career path won’t bring success. Plenty of people work their way up the chain without a traditional college education on their resume, but it’s a lot harder. In the end, it doesn’t matter what you do as long as you are able to show commitment.
College is a commitment I made to myself years ago right after I graduated high school. I had just turned 18 and was about to embark on a strange journey around the West Coast. Of course I didn’t know that then. I thought I was just going to drive around for a couple months. But I promised myself that I would apply to school and be attending within two years.
One of my proudest moments was receiving my acceptance letter, just because I had followed through with my commitment.
I can’t say anything about the future now. Since I got here, I have made no commitments to anyone aside from professing my love for a friend and quitting smoking. I have not yet promised myself that I would stay at MECA or even finish school.
In the meantime, my one thought remains. When I can get my mind to quiet a bit, I find three smaller ideas circling around it:
1. College is a place where true learning begins, but only if you take advantage of it.
2. Even though I am supposed to be a big smart college student, I still feel small and young.
3. This first year was not half as long or hard as I thought, and I could probably do this for another three years.
These things I will have to keep on file for further processing this summer.