Okay, so my editors, Nicolette and Elise, tell me that it is my turn to write the weekly column in which a “staffer” speaks. For those of you who aren’t down with THE FREE PRESS jive, a staffer is someone who works here. Right. You knew that, it’s not hard to figure out. The assignment of writing the staff column is supposed to be fun. They told me this in the office, saying things like, “It is a fun piece about basically whatever you want.” “Whatever I want?” I replied, thinking about how a column on how great I am would go down. “Well,” they replied. “It has to do with something from …” Their words trailed off in my mind. I didn’t care what this column had to be about. I had plans (pronounce the word “plans” in your head much like someone would say the word “skillz” in a hip-hop fashion. Sorta like “plaaaaaaaeeeeenzzzz.” Add a “fool” on the end if you want … just for effect). I was gonna write a sweet column.
The fantasy was playing over and over in my head (I do this sort of thing when I am driving very fast … I also talk on my cell phone and read books). Anyway, back to my daydream. The column would begin like “Hamlet” or the Bible; maybe, if I were real lucky, it would begin like a Danielle Steele novel. It would start off like any other piece of literature that goes down in history as being the best ever of its kind. It would shape millions of people (even the few million who don’t read THE FREE PRESS). Each word would be cherished by all cultures as a complete and total guide for everyday living on our planet. Crime would dissolve, hungry children would be a thing of the past, love would pervade the global mind set as humankind stepped boldly in sync with each other into the bright future. War would be laughed at, like a cruel joke we used to play on ourselves. Our purpose in life would be clear, with only one question remaining. Why hadn’t I written the column sooner? I would stand before millions of people all silent, waiting for me to impart my wisdom. I would shave my head, wear robes, and repeat old Zen proverbs like it was going out of style. Things like, “To be a person of knowledge one must be light and fluid,” and “Act without doing, work without comfort.” Best of all, I would be rid of all my worldly possessions, for my wisdom and the love of other would sustain my material desires. Except for one … that is a midnight black Ferrari 360 Spyder convertible capable of doing zero to 60 in …
I don’t think it is too far from the truth that my daydreams are pretty boring. Whatever implications they may have, they always dissolve into well-shot montages of fast, foreign sports cars. I’ll be sure to leave them out of any future columns I write. I guess I am just trying to make a point. That point is … uh … That point is that when someone gives you a voice (or a column to write) you should do your best to try and say something that makes sense, and best of all does something good for someone. If someone were to read this and laugh, I would die a happy man. I don’t even care what kind of laugh it is. (A “laugh with me” laugh, or “a laugh AT me” laugh, or better yet a “laugh out of desperation and bewilderment because you’re one of my editors who can’t believe I wrote this god awful crap” laugh). I guess I am done. Thanks for the five minutes of your time it took to ponder this. Or not ponder it. I hope you considered doing both … bye.
Post Script: Today is Saturday. That means all of the editing staff, plus a few extras come into the Portland office to “put the paper to bed” a.k.a finish up the work. I have been here since 11 in the morning, and it is now 10:10 AT NIGHT. CONSEQUENTLY, I AM NOT PLEASED. I have been informed that I need to make my column longer than it already is. Screw that. I am just going to fill the space up with mindless dialouge…it might give you a taste of what REALLY goes on here. What did you think, I was gonna throw down another parking article?
A PLAY
Nicolette Harding (News Editor):I am special, important, better than Andrew! (Stage Left)
Elise Adams (Executive Editor): Shit, I can never think of headlines.
Nicolette: I know that’s why I always assign them to writers. (Drinking Milk)
Me: Lis, say something, for christ sake!
Liz: What do you want me to talk about. Nicolette get in here and talk!
Nicolette: Andrew Dolby is so sexy. (laughing)
Chorus: Maybe if we just got him drunk, we could have our way with him. (Close)
THE END