Are you one of the many people constantly worried that they aren’t getting the proper recognition for wanting to be famous? Do you constantly feel the need to be on a screen?
Well, you may be a perfect candidate for an Academy Award.
Winning this coveted trophy solidifies one’s place in pop culture history forever and leads to many greater opportunities in the world of entertainment. With just less than a year before the red carpet is rolled out again, I’ve devised a foolproof plan to assist the attention-craving among us to achieve the recognition they probably don’t deserve.
The first step is to write a script that simultaneously revolves around every single Oscar-award-winning stereotype. I’ll get you started. A homosexual alcoholic blind war veteran with cancer is going to run around the world for charity and self-discovery before he dies.
Or, alternately, an adopted wheelchair-bound sociopathic schizophrenic drug addict in rehab discovers he can talk to animals. The best way to think of these stereotypes is to list them on a piece of paper and pick the one(s) that will get the most attention, not unlike how John McCain picked his vice-presidential candidate a few years ago.
As long as the basic plot can be described using almost exclusively using buzzwords, film studios will have no problem fronting you money.
The next step would be to assemble every amazing actor from the last 20 years to work for this film. Unfortunately this will never happen, so you will probably have to act in the movie yourself. But look on the bright side, this increases your chances for an Oscar still. You’re going to want to lock yourself inside a hotel room for a month while watching documentaries about serial killers to mentally prepare. Just don’t put on any clown makeup, and plan on being in character for about a year. As a matter of fact, the only time you should consider breaking character is to accept the award itself.
You’ll also have to direct the movie. I suggest shaking the camera vigorously throughout the entire movie, because that just makes it look better. You’ll also want to do extremely long takes. The only time you should stop the camera after turning it on is when you’re done filming every scene. One movie, one take. It’s not impossible. Man up.
Giving the film a title is perhaps the most important step. It will need to be both memorable and fit the movie completely. The aforementioned war veteran movie? I call it “Running on Empty.” Others that might come to mind, such as “Blindy’s Last Stride” or “Watch the Blind Dude Run Good,” just won’t do.
Next, you’ll want to relentlessly send ads for your film to various media outlets like it’s your job. Cry in front of a double-rainbow arched over a billboard for your film. Do one of those stupid cat videos with ads for your movie at the beginning. In a best-case scenario, your film will be “spoofed” on Saturday Night Live. I don’t care what it takes, just get noticed.
If all else fails, and I mean all else, you will have to convince any family members and friends to report your death. Dying — even faking dying, if you insist — will automatically make you a shoe-in for an Oscar. Granted, you won’t be able to attend the ceremony, receive the award or make an overblown speech thanking your parents for making you wash grandma’s feet. But you can’t enjoy a sunny day without having a few rainy ones.
Remember folks, this is the Academy Awards we’re dealing with.
You want it? You have to work for it.