August 30th, 2004 was the day I turned 18. Everyone and their mothers asked me if I was going to vote in the upcoming election. I told them, “No. One vote can’t change anything.” I was kidding when I said this and had every intention in the world to vote, but whether I voted or not didn’t really matter. Once I got into the booth, I wrote AC Slater on the write-in portion of the ballot.
Four years later and I am stuck in the same predicament. I do, again, plan on voting, but not for Barack Obama, John McCain, or Darth Vader (Ralph Nader). No, in this election I plan on voting for myself. Before you clench your butt-cheeks so tight you snap that thong in half, listen to my credentials: I once traveled the land as a hobo selling children Chinese finger traps and telling them stories about how when your prostate enlarges you will go to the bathroom much more often; I appeared in the great American film “Over the Top”; and I once strangled a lemur to death. Actually, I only did the first one and the last one. But two outta three ain’t bad.
My running mate will, of course, be AC Slater. I will force Mario Lopez to wear a sleeveless, mesh shirt, white Reebok pumps, and tight jeans, and to cut his hair into that beautiful jheri-curl mullet he once donned on “Saved by the Bell.”
Once elected as your dictator, ahem President, I plan on tackling the issues our nation cares about. Ever heard of global warming? Yeah…me too – OK! Well, I’m going to give that bastard a great, big Uncle Sam bitchslap. One main factor in the destruction of our ozone layer is the poisonous chemicals that seep from our cars. People always jibba-jibba about electric cars, but I myself don’t want to carry around the burden that if I accidentally spill water on my car, I will be electrocuted. I believe that that is a risk not many people are willing to take. No, I would do one better than electric cars, and make rickshaws the main mode of transportation. Rather than having humans carry around each other like they are used in foreign countries, I would hire animals. Preferably fast ones, like the ostrich or cheetah. Most animals are lazy, and I can’t stand that. All of those who oppose this rule by claiming animal cruelty will be deported directly to hell.
Our current financial crisis is quite simple: Not enough money? Make some more. I will print more money, with my face on it, and distribute it to the wonderful citizens of America. If you still can’t afford anything, then blame your parents for not forcing you to play sports or join the adult film industry. There’s tons of money in both. Parents are lame. I will also hold an annual treasure hunt that spans the continental U.S. (sorry Alaska and Hawaii, in my term Alaska will become part of Russia, and Hawaii will be blown up). The treasure hunt will last two months and play out similarly to the “Amazing Race,” but with weapons.
To get closer to my people, I will turn my life as president into a “Hills” style reality show, which isn’t even reality at all, to show all you plebeians how glamorous the Prez can be. I will discuss girl problems with Kim Jong Il, then get into a cat fight (nuclear war) with him after I find him with my woman.
Doesn’t this sound great? Please, if you’ve never done anything before in your tawdry little life, then please vote for me, Jacob Cowan, as your next Presidential Elect.