“I don’t sweat, I rain.” Famous lines from the not-so-famous 1995 film, Angus. For men like me everywhere, this is our mantra. We sweat as if we were stuck in the Sahara Desert being dutch ovened by Roseanne Barr. It’s out of our grasp, we just can’t help it. Do you know how many times I’ve had to sit out “YMCA” at Bar and Bat Mitzvah’s because of pit stains? Every single one! I can’t even remember the last time I spelled out Y-M-C-A with my arms. But I always owned in limbo – I once limbo’d underneath a car.
Now, my pit stains aren’t your average run of the mill “wet spot” pit stains. It’s like a kiddie pool filled with vile bodily fluids under my arms. I can always tell when my pit stains are forming, too. I call the beginning stage, “The Drip.” The Drip occurs when you lift up an arm and a drop of sweat plunges downwards from your pit all the way down your ribs. You think it’s just going to be a tiny little drop of nothing, then the next time you check your pits you have evolved into sweaty Rorschach of death located on the underarm of your shirt.
What’s a sweaty boy to do? Old Spice Red Zone comes in handy from time to time. It doesn’t always keep me dry, but it unleashes scents like Mountain Rush, Aqua Reef, and Diaper Fresh Cloud from underneath the pits. The only thing that has kept me dryer than british humor is Certain Dri. Yes, Certain Dri! The amazing 72 hour protection against odor that prevents disgusting perspiration. Certain Dri clogs the pores under your armpits for 72 hours! Of course this isn’t healthy, but it works.
I can grind as hard as I want on any dance floor I please and high five my friends all night without worrying about those dreaded pit stains. Well, sweating is a natural reaction and it is your body’s way of cooling down. So, your sweat must go somewhere else, right? Indeed it does. When wearing Certain Dri, your sweat comes pouring out of your fore head, chest, and ass. After applying Certain Dri my forehead gets so wet tiny babies and animals could turn it into a Slip-n-slide – something I am not morally opposed to.
One time I was wearing a gray shirt at a party and the front of my shirt was dripping with perspiration. I looked like Bobby Brown after an all-night crack binge. But my pits? Completely dry. Everyone was making fun of me, but c’mon, sweating out of your chest is so much manlier than sweating from your pits. Just tell everybody you’ve been whipping your pecks into shape all day and those puppies were letting off a little steam.
As for the swamp ass? Wear the thickest pair of jeans you own. A bad case of swamp ass will tear through any pair of khakis in a second. Sweat pants will only make matters worse. You could also just wear a diaper. They don’t call ’em Depends for nothing. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve depended on Depends in times of ass perspiration, not to mention times when I just feel like crapping myself. If you ask most people they’d say, “He does it way too many times.” If you ask me I’d say, “Not enough.”
So, there are your options. I really haven’t corralled this sweating problem into a nice, dry ranch yet, but I have a feeling better times are ahead. I just shaved my armpits. I felt as if my armpit hair acted as icicles or stallagtites dripping hot, acidic sewage from my pits. I hope this works, or I won’t be grinding anytime soon.
Jake Cowan is a young man who attends USM and makes jokes.