People eat late for many reasons. Some of them are nurses who work night shifts at hospitals and they eat their breakfasts at 10:30 p.m.. Some are insomniacs gone nuts by the claustrophobia of four rooms, driven into the city’s night for a belly full of sleepless solace. Some are just drunk pigs. I’m going to write this article from the perspective of the sleepless drunk with a lot of work to do.
If you are up searching for food after 1 a.m., you’re not looking for bananas. You are looking for something warm, chewy, salty and preferably made out of meat, cheese, sauce or dough. You are not looking for plums if you’re drunk.
First and most unfortunate is the lack of quality 24-hour joints in this city. The corporate sector has this market cornered. Denny’s is open 24 hours and is the only place to go if you want breakfast at 3 a.m. A splashy menu arrives with a bottomless cup of coffee at your hypnotizing arcing-pointillism-patterned table. There are several filling options available on the all-night menu, including a plethora of potato derivatives offered as side dishes. The Denny’s menu is pretty constant in its 1600 restaurants across the states. The Grand Slam breakfast you get in Portland is the same Grand Slam you get in Guam. You can check out www.dennys.com for their corporate statement and some colorful photos of their menu items.
7-Eleven is another 24-hour option. The 7-Eleven franchise headquarters boasts that their “New Jalapeno and Cream Cheese 7-Eleven Go-Go Taquito is now spicier than ever, with more jalapeno pieces mixed into the warm cream cheese filling and rolled in a crispy fried tortilla”. 7-Eleven has all sorts of cylindrical food options rolling around in there. I recommend trying one of their rolling, cheese filled sausages in a steamy bun with nacho cheese sauce, relish and whatever other spicy sauces are available. If it’s before 1 a.m., you can grab a 40 and eat this shit in the parking lot. If it is later, you can snag a powdered French vanilla cappuccino, load it with flavored creamers and suck it down. There is no worry that the caffeine in this will keep you awake if you are wasted enough. Try some Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups for dessert. You can research your shopping list at www.7-eleven.com.
If you want real food and you want to eat it out of the glare of fluorescent lights, check out Wimpy’s. This is an actual hole in the wall on Union Street in the Old Port. Party people migrate unsteadily towards the fuming promise of a Wimpy burger from every pub in the Old Port. If you want fries and a burger, try the Wimpy meal. For a mere five dollars, you will get a pile of thick fries and a wholesome meat patty on a white bun with American cheese. If you’re a total pig, you can get a triple bacon cheeseburger. For vegetarians, there is onions and ketchup, (it’s not on the menu, but you can order a veggie burger). The funniest part is the presentation at Wimpy’s. The cook served my burger to me in a Styrofoam box, slowly extending his arm and gently slipping the thing from his fingertips. He wore the friendly scowl of a sophisticated maitre-d and an apron that said “Don’t Fuck With The Cook!” Ten minutes after scarfing my Wimpy meal, I felt like I had eaten a bag of dirt. Rumor has it that girls who flash their boobies at the cook get free fries. I cannot verify this rumor, but I’ve also heard that girls who flash their boobies at The Free Press office get a free copy of The Free Press.
La Bodega Latina is a relatively new joint at 865 Congress St. They used to stay open until 2 a.m. but they now close at 11 p.m. This Dominican eatery is right next door to the market of the same name. They call themselves “The People’s Market.” The food is displayed, buffet-style in deep metal pans at the back of this small restaurant. You may find goat, steak, shrimp and pork offered at the buffet. Ask for a sampling of everything and you’ll get a huge portion, including rice and fried plantains for seven dollars. They also make pulled pork sandwiches, tuna sandwiches and ham-n-cheese sandwiches. Ask for Juan’s Fried Chicken and Juan will smile. These tasty pieces are cooked in sweet, dripping sauces and have bones so you can feel like a caveman while you suck on them. La Bodega Latina serves mango, cantaloupe, guava, passion fruit and papaya shakes as well as an assortment of interesting sodas imported from the Caribbean.
If you like to eat at bars, you can get spring rolls until 12 a.m. at Bottomz UP. Bull Feeneys serves a really nice corned beef sandwich that you can eat while enjoying some rousing Irish drinking songs. One time I scored a bag of cocaine in the bathroom of this traditional Irish Pub, which I later enjoyed with a traditionally rolled up C-note.
There are a few American Chinese restaurants that deliver. You can call 797-9052 and get some crab rangoons from the Wok Inn, which now boasts of service until 2 a.m. or later. 761-4335 gets you a pile of greasy sweet-n-sour MSG from Jan Mee’s. 839-4377 in Gorham.
If you’re up until 4 a.m., you can head over to Becky’s for some good breakfast. Becky’s coffee sucks but you can get all sorts of omelets, toast or bowls of fruit for fair prices. Becky’s is a pretty comfortable place to go and you can watch the sunrise and listen to the peaceful sound of seagulls waking up.
Lastly, I’ll mention Bill’s Pizza on Commercial Street. Bill’s is the most popular late night joint in town. It is popular because it serves pizza, fulfilling the late night eating requirements of dough, meat, cheese and grease. Drop five dollars and get two slices. If you’re there early, you can drink beer. Bill’s is a good place to watch people with sculpted hairdos chat on their cellphones. This is amusing if you get kicks watching drunk, expensively dressed people fall down. It’s especially sporting to observe beautiful women struggling to walk on cobblestones in stilettos behind Bill’s.
Conventional wisdom suggests not eating within three hours of going to bed. Artists commonly enjoy shunning such wisdom, in pursuit of art, to foolhardily binge drink and consume. If you are intent on eating late while drunk in this town, you’ll have to accept the intestinal complaints that accompany horizontal digestion complicated by the deadening effects of alcohol. If your stomach is an incinerating furnace of amped-up metabolism and you can eat raw chickens, venture boldly into the night and order extra bacon.