I will never be able to suck the milk out of a cow’s udder. I will never be able to share the same ice cream cone with my significant other. I will never be able to eat string cheese; I will only be able to mercilessly whip someone in the face with it. Why am I destined to suffer this fate? Because I am lactarded.
Most plebians refer to lactardation as lactose intolerance, but in the science world, scientists use the term lactarded. Don’t be offended by the suffix “-tard.” Although considered taboo, it is an underused suffix that should be applied to more words. Why should lactards the world over suffer just because we lack the enzyme to properly metabolize the lactose sugar found in dairy products which makes us go poopy all the time? I’m saying right now that we shouldn’t suffer anymore. We should grab fate by the balls then go suck the milk from a cow’s delicious teat.
I’ve been a lactard for the past ten years of my life, and I still proudly eat pizza, milkshakes, and a variety of gourmet cheeses. I even fancy myself as a cheese connoisseur piling wheels and wedges down my throat even when it results in a male version of PMS cramps. Talk about facing adversity.
Lactard pills do exist for those not willing to suck up the aches and craps faced with eating dairy. But I decided long ago that they are nothing more than sugar pills. They don’t work whether you swallow them, bump them, or insert them anally. They’ll only work if you’re a faker that experiences the placebo effect. They are a sham; another cruel ploy by pharmaceutical companies to drain you of your money. They never work, and even if they did, I’m on the upper tier of lactardation. No little pill will stop my body from not digesting dairy. I experience my stomach stitches as a badge of honor: I bravely slurp down milkshakes knowing full well that they’ll get a few jabs in, but in the end, I will rise victoriously.
Here are some fun facts about those who are lactarded: The vast majority of Asia, Mexico, and South America are lactarded including most African-Americans, Native Americans, and most Jews (see Wikipedia.com for more info). This makes perfect sense because I am a Jewish, Asian, Mexican, South African and Native American man. At birth, the doctor said I’d never be able to be breast fed, but I persevered through massive bouts of diarrhea and a large diaper bill that my parents are still forcing me to pay off to this day – with interest! Being the exotic looking man I am, the recent boom in porn file sharing has helped immensely in paying my parents back. I’m the only one person who meets the high demand fetish of a Jewish, Asian, Mexican, South, African, and Native, American man.
Take pride in your lactardation. No, you can’t get a special parking decal, but you can fart all the time. And farting is hilarious. If lactarded, you will fart like 60% more frequently than non-lactards. Don’t let the milk-man bring you down! Eat cheese, drink milk, make friends with a cow or goat and fight the inevitable stomach pains that follow. Live your life free from the constraints of dairy and bless your little fart.