“GUTS! D-d-d-d-do you have em? Guts! And let’s go to Moe with the official score.”
Remember “Guts”? Nickelodeon’s old game show that started off as a friendly competition between children from America, then turned into “Global Guts” which was a ruthless, drag out, my country-is-better-than-yours fight to the death?
Of course you do. Unless, of course, you were one of the losers who didn’t have cable growing up, but you probably watched at a friend’s house anyway. As a child, I never wanted to be on I just wanted to meet someone who had been on ‘Guts,’ and won. I thought as I got older and met more people the chances of me meeting a champion would grow.
Well I am 22 freaking years old and I’ve yet to meet anyone who has even been on “Guts”, let alone a bonfied champion.
I’ve boiled down a list of three things that if I ever saw in person would make my head explode. 1. A dinosaur. 2. The Quaker Oatmeal guy having sex with the Cream of Wheat guy. And, 3. A glowing piece of the radical rock.
The radical rock I refer to is the Agro Crag. Or the Super-Mega-Hydroponic-Agro Crag. The mountainous thing went through so many name changes it’s hard to keep track. If I ever did see one and my head didn’t blow up on first glance, I would steal it – immediately. I would grab the glowing piece of the radical rock, beat to death whoever it was that owned it, and hoist it in the air like only winners can do. Why? Because I love America.
“Global Guts” always had one jacked American 12 year old boy, or she-male, compete against two feminine European freaks (boy or girl, it didn’t really matter). They always showed the medal standings by country at the end of each show, and America was always on top. Why? Because America competed in each show and every other country only competed in every third show.
America must win at everything, but that’s besides the point. The real point here, right now, is that I’m trying to collect enough money to construct a perfect recreation of the Agro Crag.
This is my calling in life. Just like Kevin Costner’s character in “Field of Dreams” had to build a baseball field, I need to build, and compete, on the Agro Crag. Obviously, medals will not be handed out. The winner will live, and the two losers will die. It would be an underground thing — I’ll get the Triad involved somehow.
The losers will reach the top of the Crag only to be pushed back down and on to a bed of spikes. This needs to happen. I will compete in the inaugural event and invite (kidnap) Lance Armstrong and Michael Phelps to compete against me. They’re huge pussies and I hate them. Cycling? Swimming? Try climbing up the Agro Crag through foam boulders, sparkles, and smoke, while slamming down actuators along the way. I will win, and when they die I will scream, “Guts! Do you have ’em?” then thrust my hands through their stomachs and rip out their guts. I’ll hold them up in the air and nod in agreement that they do in fact have guts. So, forget about disease for a second and donate to a real cause. Send your money to me and let’s make this Agro Crag death match a reality.
It’ll be fun, like “Running Man”.
So, please send your money to me, Jacob Cowan, because I really need to kill Lance Armstrong and Michael Phelps.
Jake Cowen is a young man who attends USM and makes jokes.