Have you ever noticed that insane hippo-dragon hybrid that dons every box of Hannaford’s generic cereal? You know, the one with the rainbow striped shirt, white overalls, green scales, purple horns and a baseball cap? This maniac blatantly gets away with distributing other mascots’ cereal for almost half the price. I’m going call him Hogart because it contains some letters from “hippo” and some letters from “dragon.” Hogart takes a different approach to his cereal that I believe you will enjoy just as much as I do.
The first thing you may notice about Hogart is his unique sense of humor. He calls his generic brand of Trix cereal, “Freaky Fruits.” What a bizarre, derogatory name to describe your cereal with. There are little children eating this Trix doppelganger, getting “freaky” everyday before school. I get freaky everyday before school.
The only time you’d ever see an advertisement for Freaky Fruits would be really late at night following some “Girls Gone Wild” commercial. Hogart would splash his giant spoon into an obnoxiously big bowl of Freaky Fruits and scream into the camera, “Get Freaky!” as some loud monotonous reggaeton beat blasts in the background. Then he’d do that weird trademarked “Gone Wild” shimmy that girls do when they extend their arms and lift up their shirts for the world to see. But Hogart’s a boy hippo dragon and doesn’t have hippo dragon boobs to shake, so it would just be five seconds of awkwardness before whatever show you’re watching came back on.
Now, we know Hogart enjoys a good laugh, but how does he feel about grammar? Well, after stealing the Cap’n’s Crunch Cereal, Hogart renamed it “Berrry Treets.” Really Hogart? Three “r’s” in berry and two “e’s” in treats? What lesson is Hogart teaching today’s youth by spelling Berry Treats, “Berrry Treets?”
What if this is a child’s first introduction to the words “berry” and “treat?” They invariably will believe that this is the correct way to spell each word. Imagine the humiliation funneling through that child’s mind when they mistakenly spell “berry treats” during a harmless game of MadLibs. An adjective is needed followed by a noun, and the child enters “berrry” and “treets” respectively. What happens to this child’s psyche, when their friend reads the MadLib and relentlessly mocks and berates their friend for spelling these two words incorrectly? What happens when this child is actually me, a 21 year old man, who actually believed this was the correct way to spell “Berrry Treets?” It’s completely emasculating when people ask you to spell words like “stupid,” “idiot,” and “worthless piece of human trash.” Years of therapy will not suffice.
I decided to ask Hogart in person why he has such disdain for correct grammar. Since Hogart is a fictional character, I came to the conclusion that dropping acid would be the only plausible way to question him in person. I secluded myself in a safe environment, dropped some tabs, and waited for Hogart. Right before I was about to enter a boxing match with a cactus, Hogart appeared.
I said, “Hogart why in the world do you spell Berry Treats “Berrry Treets?”
Hogart looked at me puzzled and told me that “Berrry Treets” is in fact spelled with three “r’s” and two “e’s,” and that anyone who says differently is a fart-knocker. He then tried to eat me from his cereal bowl with a giant spoon for 10 hours straight.
The next day I woke up crying in the fetal position and covered in milk. I needed a quick pick me up so I poured myself a bowl of Freaky Fruits, put on Sean Paul’s new record, did the shimmy, and got freaky!
Jake Cowan is hot, sexy and waiting for you. Call him now for just $2.99/min.