I am officially fed up with restaurants that suffer from what I call “closet pretension.” These places strategically appear as if they wouldn’t dream of indulging in the self-important airs that other traditional fine dining establishments do, as they are much too casual in their down-to-earth-minimalism. Yet, they end up doing it anyway, dripping with hypocrisy and foie gras. The distinction between these establishments and those that are flat out “traditional chichi” is that they each engage in the same elitist behavior, but the former does it under the pretense of being above the very behavior they are actually engaging in. They are the Trojan horses of fabulous restaurants: I liken them to the Range Rover driving stay at home mom that you may have rubbed pricey fleeced elbows with at Maine Roasters Coffee in Falmouth. You know the one I’m talking about, right? She doesn’t go to Starbucks because it’s too corporate, and not authentic to her idea of the Maine way of life (she is most likely from Connecticut), and she only wears jeans, but they happen to be Paper, Denim, and Cloth? Now the more traditional, make no apologies for their obvious fancy schmancy pretension restaurants are similar to the Beverly Hills socialites that used to come into the medical office where I worked in LA. These women were materialistic, shallow, had had more work done on them than the Boston Pike and all rode around in flashy Beamers, Mercedes and Jags. But the beauty is that they were perfectly upfront about their state of mind. Because if your going to be an arrogant ass, at least own up to it.
Take for instance, my telephone conversation with a well-known Portland restaurant that we will simply refer to as “F”. F is one of those places where the average is $30 a plate, the waiters wear jeans, and the atmosphere and d?cor lends itself to an aura of casual minimalist elegance. I called F regarding their website address, which the woman who answered said they didn’t have, as the menu changed daily. No, I explained, I wasn’t interested in the menu, simply information about rehearsal dinners. Well, she said, they CAN host large groups, but only on very specific dates. Ok, I said, trying one last time to squeeze even a dollop of helpfulness out of her, do you have any information you can send me? There was a pause on the other end before she informed me that they do not do “promotional” materials. These last two words were delivered as though even their very formation in her mouth had caused a sour, low class aftertaste. I would have loved nothing more than to deliver a nice palate cleansing, but instead sighed and hung up the phone.
Are you absolutely kidding me? This was worse than the time I requested a side of ranch dressing with my French fries (I have a ranch/fry fetish, it’s quite delish, actually) at a casual downtown Portland restaurant and was informed icily that they do not serve “cream based dressings.” You would have thought I had asked for a side of veal at a vegan establishment. A simple “no, I’m sorry we don’t have ranch,” would have sufficed.
Seriously, and I mean seriously, get over yourself. Because here is the issue: I’m not sure if these restaurants think that people won’t believe they’re experiencing quality in such a casual atmosphere unless they’re being made to feel abused, or whether these establishments have really reached the place where they feel they are so damn fabulous, they can survive without customers. It’s ridiculous, and by the way, their foie gras? Not that great.
And yet I feel it important to mention that there are some truly spectacular low-key fine dining restaurants in the Portland area that are shockingly able to balance both incredible food with some acknowledgement and concern for their clientele. Bintliff’s has a fabulous dinner menu (the salmon with the wasabi mashed potatoes was heavenly) and they still manage to greet their customers kindly and lend a personal touch to all that they do. It isn’t uncommon to see the owners Roger and Kim Bintliff talking with people, cooking, and taking care of their customers. This is the same with Pat’s caf?. They have achieved the relaxed, unpretentious atmosphere (they’re above a butcher’s shop, please) and yet still deliver thoughtful food and knowledgeable, friendly service. 555 on Congress is one of my ultimate favorites. They will absolutely take care of your any need (ask for one of the two tables by the window). This is the same for the Salt Water Grille at the marina in South Portland, who still manages to deliver top of the line service and food despite having a website address and, gasp, information for potential guests.
At the end of the day, I have more respect for the BH socialites who wear their pretension on their D&G logo-ed sleeves than the elitist hippies who pretend to be “so above it all”. And remember, the next time you’re dining in a presumably pretense-free atmosphere, make sure they’ re not pulling the wool over your eyes. Baahhh.