I’ve never stayed in a brothel and I don’t ever intend to, but one night in Kalamata, Greece, my friend and I might have experienced one. Having spent nearly eight months in Asia, I decided to hit up Greece for some island hopping. My current roommate, Nick, decided to leave his homestead here in Maine to join me for a month. We met up in Athens, enjoyed the city along with the brilliant Parthenon. We jumped on a boat and indulged ourselves with island pleasures, chilling all day and drinking at night. After about 10 days we headed to a much bigger island, called Peloponnese, which has much to offer: for instance, it’s home of the first Olympics in Olympia. We made our way around the island sightseeing at each little city, when we came upon Kalamata.

Kalamata wasn’t our intended destination, but we arrived early afternoon and our train left in the early hours of the following morning. Nick and I walked around a bit, searching for a cheap hostel to crash at for the evening, when we finally saw the blue triangular Hostelling International sign. We went through the regular procedure of checking in but were concerned with the sight of three ugly, over weight, modestly dressed women staring at us.

Once the manager gave me the key for the room, Nick and I were eager for some rest and started up the stairs when one of the ugly, over weight, modestly dressed women approached me and said in crappy English, “You, me, sex?” as she pointed to herself. Surprised and grossed out at the same time, I looked at Nick wondering what to say,

“Ummm… I have girlfriend.”

“No problem, me only want money, me sexy.”

“No money for sex, thank you.” I blushed my way up the stairs. I have never been hit on so bluntly by a prostitute.

Nick and I got to the room, laughed about the situation, and then discussed what we should do with the rest of the evening. We gathered ourselves and some stuff, and ran down the stairs to avoid any interaction with the ugly, over weight, modestly dressed women.

Kalamata didn’t have much to offer. Nick bought some fine earrings for his lady and then we drank ouzo, the traditional Greek spirit and people-watched for the remainder of the night.

Around 11p.m. the stores began to close and the boulevard we had gawked at for hours was simmering down. We slowly made our back to the hostel, just waiting for an encounter with some of the ugly, over weight, modestly dressed women. Noticing the lobby of the hostel was empty, we thought we were all set for the night, but unfortunately we were very wrong. Minutes after getting to our room, we heard a soft knock.

“Come in,” both of us yelled. The same woman I had lied to about having a girlfriend poked her head in and asked one more time if I wanted some action and once again I said no.

“You friend want sex, me sexy?” she said.

“No, thank you,” Nick said chuckling. She closed the door and left us alone for the rest of the night, but that wasn’t the end of it.

Fifteen minutes later another ugly, over weight, modestly dressed woman knocked on the door, and came right in. Her English was better and her personality was more aggressive. I was comfortably lying on the bed and she comfortably sat next to me.

“What’s your name, my name is Maria,” she said as she started to softly touch my leg. Across the room, Nick started to crack up. She continued asking us questions like where we were from and what we were doing. I continued to answer her questions while pushing her hand away from my crotch. She was becoming more and more obvious about her intentions and within five minutes both her hands were on the button of my shorts. I must admit I was laughing my ass off about the whole thing and Nick couldn’t contain himself over on the other side of the room.

“No, no, what are you doing?” I said expressing amusement. She kept to her mission no matter how often I pushed her hands away, touching and rubbing me all over. It was hilarious. Maria noticed Nick dying of laughter and decided to check him out. She sat next to him, but he couldn’t stop laughing and he asked “What are you doing,” as she attempted to undo his shorts.

He wasn’t having any of it either and persisted in laughing. Well, apparently her patience was fading and she wasn’t used to so much resistance. She belted him in the nuts!! As Nick grabbed his crotch and curled into a ball, my stomach was aching from laughter. My next thought was that she was coming for me.

After that crazy episode, she sat in a chair and allowed us to both relax. I think she knew she wasn’t going to get any from either of us and decided to chill for a bit. Both of us were still hooting it up about whole damn situation and once all of us were on the same page we started talking again.

“So what’s your age?” I asked and this is where things got out of control. She either heard me wrong or didn’t understand what I said, because she thought I said I had AIDS. She went berserk, flailing her arms all over, pointing at me to stay away, swearing in Greek with the occasional “fuck” in English.

I tried to calm her down and repeated the word age over and over again, but she was set on the word AIDS and continued her erratic behavior. Nick and I looked at each other laughing and scared of what she was going do to. Finally, after some tense moments she stormed out and slammed the door behind her. We did nothing but laugh and laugh. With the simple misunderstanding of one word, the whole night was flipped upside down, but we were not touched or bothered the rest of the night.

Khaled Habash can be contacted at [email protected]


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here