And now . What the entire campus has been waiting for . The official “Smoke your breakfast”/USM “What I really want to know” survey results are in. Thank you everyone for the overwhelming response to my little survey, and to everyone who mailed it in and wasted 34 cents on postage . Way to go sucka.

After a careful analysis of the results, I have made a number of highly scientific conclusions about USM. These results are shocking and may cause slight discontent among the less progressive members of our student body, but here goes anyway.

There were no landslide winners for Favorite Professor. Why? I couldn’t tell you, but Dan Panici was the only professor to achieve more than one vote (he got two). This category was left blank more than any other question but . Diane Benedict??? (Diane, if that really is your real name, I hope your not an English professor because your biggest fan has some sloppy-ass handwriting.) Susan McWilliams, Sue Picinich and William Gayton also each got one vote.

No one could think of a professor who should be fired. (Well actually there were a few, but “Smoke your breakfast” is about peace and love and printing the results of the professor whom should be fired tomorrow would be mean-spirited. Just for the record, I could print the results if I wanted to.)

The Hottest Professor at USM was almost unanimously Dr. Daniel Panici. Statistics show that Dr. Dan has achieved the inconceivable: his broad appeal ranges from women ages 18-39, but he also scored high among men ages 18-29. Go Dr. Dan. Anticipate his appearance in racy Calvin Klein print ads coming soon. Runner up is Lisa Walker. I have never met her, but congrats anyway.

There were no big winners for Favorite Class, but quantitative decision making got the most votes for Most Worthless Class. My vote doesn’t count, but American Sign Language I was the most money I ever wasted on a sedative. I learned how to correctly point deaf people towards the bathroom. No, it’s really not as different from pointing anyone to the nearest bathroom as they make it sound. I was a freshman, I registered late and my adviser at the time was none too bright, so don’t blame me. I was young and na?ve.

USM’s favorite beers are Magic Hat #9, and Alligash White, to which I reply, I always wondered who drank that fruity crap. Take your skirts off and drink a Geary’s Hampshire.

The average USM student drinks 3-4 nights a week. Go Team. Most USM students who answered the survey do not engage in other drugs at all. A few students answered marijuana. One answered, “tried them all except the big “H,” and also that they engage in mind-altering chemicals “daily, I smoke my supper nightly.” Redundant, but good answer.

Only one person has had sex in the Gorham music building and the average response to the “how many people have you had sex with since you’ve been at USM?” question is 2.57. Not bad, but I also counted all the people who counted having sex with themselves. Mad props to you guys, masturbation should be celebrated as the safest sex in the world and an invaluable tool in exploring our own bodies and our sexual needs as human beings. I don’t do it, but good for you.

The favorite band is difficult because there were such varied responses but big “H” girl said Bj?rk. Hey big “H’, I like Bj?rk too, we should hang sometime.

Worst bands were N’Sync, Britney Spears and Eiffel 66.

A lot of USM students do not wear underwear.

USM’s favorite soft drink is Diet Coke, yum.

PCs are preferred over Mac. What’s wrong you people? Not only have Apple computers been the only computer manufacturer to come up with any design innovation in the last 20 years, but also PCs are BORING.

The most common answer to most important sport at USM is “what are sports?” A lot of women answered my survey, so don’t get too upset.

Britney Spears is more likely to have fans on our campus than Christina is.

And finally the most important part of the survey … The winner of Biggest Hottie at the University of Southern Maine is ME. Only one individual did not fill Aaron Paul in as the hottest student, but I’m not worried because that person also stated that they listen to Korn and was also the only one who thinks “Smoke your breakfast” is retarded.

USM has also been deemed retarded. The award for my personal favorite response goes again to big “H” girl: “RETARDED-took me four years to realize it-maybe I’m retarded.”

So I hope you had fun playing. Maybe we’ll do another one next year.

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