It’s that time of year when classes are winding down. All those projects and papers that they assigned on the first day of classes (and that you have forgotten about until now) are due in the next two weeks, you can barely sit through class because it’s sixty degrees and sunny outside, and worst of all it’s time for those those damn course evaluation surveys. They want to know if your exams were returned in a timely manner blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

How about a survey on the things that we really want to know about? Here it is, the first annual, Smoke your breakfast/USM “What we really want to know survey.”

1. (Circle one) Are you Male or Female

2. (Circle one) What is your age?

18-22 23-29 30-39 40+

3. What is your major?

4. Who is your favorite professor?

5. What professor should be fired tomorrow?

6. Who is the hottest professor at USM?

7. What is the best class you ever had?

8. What’s the most useless class at USM?

9. What is your favorite beer?

10. How many classes do you skip per week?

11. Where is your favorite hangout (bar)

12. Where is your favorite hangout (non-bar)

13. How many nights a week do you drink?

0 1-2 3-4 5-7

14. How many days a week do you engage in other mind altering chemicals?

15. What drugs have you tried since you’ve been in college? (list all)

16. Have you ever had sex in a USM class room?

17. How many days has it been since you’ve had sex?

18. How many people have you had sex with since you’ve been at USM?

19. Do you always have safe sex?

20. What is your favorite band (or musician)?

21. What band (or musician) do you despise?

22. What kind of underwear do you wear?

23. Who is the hottest student at USM? (hint: Aaron Paul)

24. What is your favorite soft drink?

25. Mac or PC?

26. Britney Spears or Christina Aguilerra?

27. Best restaurant?

28. Most important sports team at USM?

29. Most worthless sports team at USM?

30. (Circle one) “Smoke your breakfast” is:

The best column Ever Retarded

31. (Circle one) USM is

The best college Ever Retarded

If you are also interested in knowing the answers to these questions please fill out the questionaire and drop it off inside the door of The Free Press offices or mail it to Aaron Paul c/o The Free Press, 92 Bedford Street Portland Maine 04104. Deadline is Friday April 20th. Send yours in today and I will share with you the answers to all the questions that you have always really wanted to know.

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