Who got the hook-up?

Britney Spears said it best . “Oops, I did it again.” One-night stands always seem like a good idea at the time, usually on the tail end of a good old binge drinking session, or when everyone is just about to leave, a desperate cry for companionship at the end of the night. The problem comes the next morning, when you roll over and find a crazy Australian in your bedwho can only squint and say “Ullo, I thought that was you.” I’m not going to sit here and brag that I’m great at hooking up (because anyone who knows me knows all about it;) but my real talent is getting rid of the victim immediately afterward.

First of all, when you wake up and realize what you’ve done, the first step is to assess the situation at hand. Getting out of someone else’s house is too easy. You slip off the side of the bed, locate your Calvins as quietly as possible, and hope the front door is where you remember it. Not even a challenge.

It becomes difficult however when you wake up at home and realize that you are not alone. The fastest way to get someone out of your house is to get the hell out of there yourself. Hang out in the kitchen until they get the hint that you’re not coming back, and as soon as they venture out to find you tell them you have to go. It’s key to make sure that you collect all of their things in the meantime and leave them close to the nearest exit. Less time looking for misplaced shoes equals less time avoiding the request for a phone number.

Never fall for the breakfast trap. If I had a nickel for every time the wait staff at Friendship Caf? had to watch me squirm in discontent .

If they do happen to get your digits, there are a number of ways to remain elusive. GET CALLER ID. It has saved my life and my reputation, and it can do the same for you. If at all possible, don’t give them a chance to leave you a message. This just makes you look like a jerk because you don’t call them back. If you see an undesirable number come up, get your roommate to answer it and deter any possible blame from yourself. “Dude, I never got your message, they must not have written it down.”

Face it, Portland’s a very small town and chances are you might run into someone in a bar, coffee shop, or at Videoport (ever notice that stalkers love Videoport?) The best way to handle a chance meeting is to smile nicely, give the nod of recognition and push past the party in question. Do not allow yourself to be cornered, and do not let them convince you that you owe them an explanation. They are just as much to blame as you are.

Let me just add that I am a really nice person, but there is no way to get out of an uncomfortable situation without completely disregarding someone else’s feelings. I have friends who have actually asked people to leave, “O.K. bucko, it was fun but you need to go now,” but that just isn’t my style. Being calculatingly unintentional about the whole ordeal is the only way to go. In a perfect world we could all sit down and discuss the reasons that we do things but when it all goes down you need to look out for you.

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