Rock the house party

There is an awkward stage that you reach in your early 20s when the bar scene starts just not being fun anymore. There are plenty of ways to make bars more fun, but unfortunately, most of the methods I have tried have led to my untimely removal from the premises and sometimes even arrest. What do you do? Hang up your hat? Settle down? Spend more time focusing on your grades?

Stop being a wuss bag, you need a house party. The house party is the forgotten art that seriously needs to be remembered in our old age. Sure the bars were great when we first turned 21, but at what bar can you funnel, do keg stands, drink Southern Comfort straight from the bottle, or best of all, vomit and continue drinking immediately afterwards? Believe me, I have tried to do all of the above on one occasion or another and the results have been startlingly unreceptive. Did you know that tripping on the floor and hitting your head on the bar can be grounds for being cut off at any given establishment? You live and you learn.

Get yourself invited to a house party. Unfortunately good parties are hard to come by. I grew up in a small town so there was no end to the gravel pit parties and bonfires in the woods, but here in Portland it’s difficult to find a good rager that doesn’t get busted before the keg gets there. Don’t let this discourage you, there are parties going on all around, you just have to be willing to look.

Once you find a party, you may find that you don’t know who is throwing it. Not to worry. Generally I have had no major problems inviting myself anywhere. Crashing parties can be even more fun than going to ones that you’ve been invited to. If you are going to invite yourself somewhere, the first rule is to make the host glad that you showed up. The easiest way to do so is with a gift. A bottle of wine may be nice when you’re going to a dinner party, or your parent’s house, but you want to bring something fun along, something that everyone can enjoy. Try a bottle of shooters. Jager, Tequilla, or Jack Daniels all say, “this kid is crazy, my party’s going to rock now.” Also good are activities. A guest at one of my recent fiestas, brought along a “shotski,” an old water ski that had four shot glasses glued to it. Whoever brought the ski is single handedly responsibly for the destruction I caused to my entire CD collection, but it was all in the name of a good time.

Rule number two is introduce yourself to everyone. The last thing you want is to be that kid who’s getting drunk in the corner all by himself. You came here to make new friends, so get on it fool. If you are lucky enough to have a friend with you practice this exercise: your friend and you will go to opposite sides of the party, as you introduce yourself to everyone, ask them if they have met your friend yet, and talk about how great they are. For example, “hey, I’m Joe, have you met my friend Bob yet? He’s the craziest dude, you have to meet him.” After half an hour exchange sides and you will be insta-celebrities. I promise this works.

If the party is a dud, there are plenty of ways to keep yourself entertained. Play the lighter game and see how many you can leave with at the end of the night, or just pick on the really drunk kids.

The possibilities of house party fun are endless. It’s cheaper than the 70 bucks you’ll blow on a night in the Old Port. Chances are there’ll be no buttheads over 30 macking on your women, and there’s no chance of being beaten after a misunderstanding with some bouncer. Throw one this weekend and give me a call.

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