The hardest decision a person can make during their college years (after the eternal question of beer or liquor) is: What the hell am I going to study. Picking a major is one of the most important choices an individual can make because it will be the first step that you take toward a long and profitable career. Or you could choose to be a Sociologist.

Ask yourself what your interests are. What are your goals? What skills would you like to improve on to make yourself a marketable individual in a competitive work force? Or take the Smoke Your Breakfast Major Quiz. Answer these questions, add up your results and find out which direction your college years will take, or if you picked the concentration that is right for you!!

1) Would you prefer to be surrounded by people who talk about:

A) Hibernation patterns of little furry things.

B) The unfortunate state of mainstream cinema.

C) Battlebots.

D) Their appall at all the ebonics that made it into the new edition of Webster’s.

E) Blood pressure, bowel movements and dentures.

F) Prozac, ritalin, valium, zoloft and Freud’s mother.

G) Crack cocaine.

H) The WNBA.

I) Their own deep thoughts.

2) Your career goals are to:

A) Discover an unknown insect.

B) Have your film recognized as better than Citizen Kane.

C) Have your own cubicle.

D) Write the crappy all-American novel.

E) Change bed pans.

F) Cure depression without sexual side effects.

G) Get everyone in Lewiston-Auburn off crack cocaine.

H) Start a petition to legally ban Bay Watch.

I) Be happy. Or is that possible? How do you define happiness?

3) Your favorite TV show is:

A) Animal Planet

B) True Hollywood Story

C) Tech TV

D) Biography on A&E


F) The Real World

G) Punky Brewster

H) Bosom Buddies

I) I feel that TV hurts my soul.

4) For fun you:

A) Dissect things.

B) Watch TV.

C) Look at Internet porn.

D) Read Hemingway.

E) Give cold medicine advice at Rite Aid.

F) Try to figure out what’s wrong with your friend.

G) Hand out sandwiches in Deering Oaks.

H) Discuss why Barbie is bad.

I) Chow LSD.

5) You read `Smoke your breakfast’ because:

A) Aaron Paul reminds you of a mammal you tagged in the woods.

B) You have classes with him and you know that he will kick your ass if you don’t tell him how good it was this week.

C) You can’t look at Internet porn on campus.

D) You want to plagiarize `Smoke your breakfast’.

E) You want to take care of Aaron Paul when he is bludgeoned by Women’s Studies majors.

F) You have finally found something so weird that you can’t explain it.

G) You are afraid that Aaron Paul may be smoking crack cocaine for breakfast.

H) You carefully rake over every word looking for reasons to send him hate-mail.

I) You think that Aaron Paul might be your soul mate.

OK, now add up all your letters.


If you got mostly A’s then you are probably a Biology major, you like fuzzy animals, innards and tagging wildlife.

Have fun trying to get a job later on.


If you got mostly B’s then you are probably a Media Studies or a Communications major. Besides a slight obsession with pop-culture you are normal and welI-adjusted. I am a Media Studies major myself, and highly recommend it to anyone, but to anyone taking the Intro to Multimedia class, drop it, the internet industry is over.


If you got mostly C’s then you are most definitely a Computer Science major because they like internet porn more than anyone else.


You got a bunch of D’s, it’s probably the first time you English major. English majors are wicked smart and read fast, so I am afraid to talk to them.


E is for pesky Nursing majors, they like to help people almost as much as social workers. The only difference is that they deal with more poop, and wear rubber gloves.


Psychology majors probably chose F. Psychology majors pretend that they want to find out how the human mind works, but actually want to find out if they are crazy without having to get a professional evaluation. I took a few classes and I turned out to be OK.

You probably won’t get a job either.


Sweet sweet Social Work majors pick G. You love orphans, puppies and happy endings. I do not smoke crack cocaine so leave me alone.


Women’s Studies majors. Like any thing that break gender stereotypes. Inexplicably identify with Julia Butterfly Hill.


I is for Philosophy majors. Are there any at USM? Do any of us really major at anything? What does major mean? Who are you? Who am I?

Aaron Paul likes Absolut and tonics. Please send mail to [email protected]


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here