Monday, May 29th, 2017

Throwing Shade: Time to shake the sillies out

Posted on May 01, 2017 in Perspectives
By USM Free Press

By: Paul Pedersen, Contributor

There are few things in this world that feel as good as sitting back and verbally tearing something to pieces. How much time do you spend being positive when you just don’t feel like it? The pressure of everyday life can be overwhelming; full-time work, full course loads, myriad opportunities to practice swallowing your pride…

These little irksome everyday constants can fester with time. It might be healthy to purge this mountain of built up anxiety and frustration in the form of vocalized negativity. But where can this tonic for the psyche be seen in action?

In the nighttime hours I work at a local drinking hotspot. The majority of patrons come in, get a little loaded and then complain for somewhere between two and four hours. Their friends listen and complain and pile on to the petty garbage that gets spewed from the mouth of the most miffed curmudgeon in the group. After everyone has a sore throat from talking over one another and from airing out their grievances, they leave in what appears to be a state of catharsis. Then a co-worker will approach me, rain contempt on the people we just catered to and in turn they get their little cathartic time in the sun. And I smile and I wait for my chance and it never comes.

So I’m taking it myself, I’m taking it in the form of a little article in a school paper in which I refuse to write a single positive word about anything. At this point I am going to throw out a little disclaimer. This is not to be used as a chance to hate people different than oneself or express opinions on the political climate, or as an opportunity to snatch back freedom of speech from the “P.C. Police.”

It is just supposed to be fun and tension reducing, an adult equivalent of the kindergarten pastime “shake the sillies out” mixed with putting your face into a pillow and shouting at the top of your lungs. So here we go.

Braces: I got braces when I was 21 years old to start establishing credit. Immediately I was robbed of my ability to be taken seriously as an adult. On one occasion while wearing braces I was attacked by a homeless man and forced to curl into a little ball to keep my red, white, and blue braces from busting through my lips. On the bright side that completely supports the common patriotic slogan “these colors don’t run.”

After the braces came off it was time to adhere to a strict retainer wearing regiment, which lasted three weeks. At that time all of my possessions were stolen including the retainer. And my teeth rapidly moved back to their original state of crookedness. When I went back to the orthodontist his explanation was “too many teeth, not enough mouth.” On the bright side my FICO score has a mouth full of pearly whites and grins at me every time I say, “charge it.”

Sharks: Imagine you could fly, and life was in 4D, and you were zipping around like a jet plane in the clouds, and you looked up and a little sour patch kid was bobbing around with its vision blurred by a cloud, and it saw in 2D and it was frozen in time. That is how a shark views a human being. The idea that a shark does not want to eat you is absolutely ridiculous. People who say you are more likely to get struck by lightning then bitten by a shark should immediately be thrown in prison.

They have dangerous and flawed logic from which nothing good could come. That is a brazen statement that fails to consider time spent in the ocean vs. time spent alive. First off, wherever you are at this very second you could be struck by lightning. For a shark to come jack me right now in my living room a biblical deluge would have to flood my house with sea critters from several miles away, and you’re going to tell me that just because more people are annually struck by lightning than bitten by sharks that makes the ocean safe? There are 8,000,000 people with the potential to get struck this second.

Let’s say 1,000,000 people take a swim in the ocean annually, and yet the likelihood of both occurrences are the same? But these people might swim once a year while literally 24/7 lightning strikes are the boogeymen of the sky, and yet almost nobody is struck… then you are at least 8 times as likely to get bitten by a shark if you step in the ocean. Statistics. Facts. I rest my case. That was hard for me to follow too but that is not the point, I feel cleansed.

Chipotle: Not specifically the chain, but the concepts that accompany the chain. That people think Chipotle is a guilty pleasure or something that they are cute for enjoying is just not ok. Something I overhear far too often: eeeewwww, I just ate so much Chipotle, I’m so gross, lol. The only person who could possibly dislike this establishment is someone who hates both sage budgeting practices and having control of their own destiny. You can adhere to any type of absurd dietary restriction you desire.

I know a kid that gets nothing but chicken and avocado, that’s it! I’ve heard him described as “the hardest thing I’ve ever touched.” And Chipotle built that body. You can also crush margaritas like you’re spring breaking in Cancun, with no expectation of tipping. And they give you a free bottle of Tabasco sauce whenever you want. That’s pretty sweet. In hindsight I can’t say a single bad word about this place.

I now have nothing but good vibes flowing from deep within me, all thanks to throwing a little shade.