Thursday, October 19th, 2017

Let’s Talk About It: What am I doing?!

Posted on April 22, 2017 in Perspectives
By Krysteana Scribner

By: Johnna Ossie, News Editor

Every morning when I wake up I think about dropping out of college within the first 2 minutes of opening my eyes. In fact, before my eyes have even opened I have elaborate fantasies of withdrawing from USM, lighting my essays, homework assignments and readings on fire and throwing them out the window of my apartment while laughing maniacally.

Sometimes my fantasies involve quietly leaving my classes, letting my grades fall to Fs and never coming back to campus again. Then I remember the thousands of dollars I have in student loans that I’ll have to start paying back as soon as I stop school, and usually that thought convinces me to let out a long sigh, get out of bed and walk to campus.

Maybe it’s some sort of third year slump. Maybe it’s that the world seems to be falling apart in very big, very scary ways day by day. Maybe it’s that I am having doubts about what I want to “do with my life.” What does it even mean to “do something with your life?”

I didn’t start college until I was 23. When I came back to school I thought I knew exactly what I wanted. I was older and wiser, I was 23! Well, now I’m 26 and realizing that I am not so old and not so wise and not so sure about anything. Or maybe Mercury is just in retrograde.

I care about the things that I study. I care about social work and radical change and I care about personal growth. But sometimes, sitting in class at 8:30 a.m. or 6:30 p.m., staring out the window onto a gray, rainy Portland, I start to wonder if I will one day regret all this time I spent sitting and spacing out while an equally uninterested professor teaches the same lesson for the 11th year in a row.

My advisor told me a few months ago that I have two more years left of school to finish my double major, and two years is starting to feel like forever. “More than half way!” someone with a more glass half full attitude tried to remind me. I’m trying not to dump my glass down the sink and leave it there unwashed.