Posted on October 23, 2011 in Henry's Head, Perspectives
By Andrew Henry
Are you one of the many people having trouble maintaining your “scariness” when it comes time for Halloween? Are you afraid of people wearing Ronald Reagan masks because of a scarring childhood experience? Well, the latter sounds like a personal problem (thanks, Dad) but here are some scary ideas for Halloween costumes for those afflicted by the former.
The biggest aspect of being scary is finding something that is universally terrifying. I’m not talking about ghosts (anything in the Ghost Hunters TV show) or witches that feast on the bones of children. Those costumes are so often donned that the public has become desensitized to their once scary demeanor. I’m talking about truly terrifying things.
What’s scarier than a witch that feasts on the bones of children? How about…CHINESE FINGER-TRAPS! An everlasting finger-bind between two people’s fingers is scary enough to evoke the hand-on-cheek scream found in horror movies. Maybe it’s not the trap itself that’s scary, but the person who is attached on the other end. I don’t know if there’s anything scarier than a lifetime of finger-attachment to someone like Charlie Sheen or Snooki.
Have you ever watched a movie and jumped when something unexpectedly pops up on screen and your heart starts beating out of your chest? That’s a scary feeling. Hence my next idea for a scary costume: Dress-up in your street clothes, but wear a hat with tiny speakers on top of it. When you approach someone, spark up a conversation and while they are speaking, press the button that plays random shouting or whooping noises at a cochlea-vibrating volume. I can almost guarantee you that person will jump out of their skin. If the shouting noises don’t suit your tastes, then any quote from Rush Limbaugh should do.
Oh, so you’re one of the people who has already tried all of these examples. Well have no fear, because I know of something that eats away at the stability of society. Something so terrifying that the very fibers of our being are frayed when we hear about it. That something is called FACT. Facts are scary, because they’re true. Scarier still, is when they are said unpredictably. Fortune cookies were invented in America, not China! HA! Virginia extends farther west than West Virginia does. Take that geography nerds! Hedgehogs are lactose intolerant! Now the whole animal kingdom knows your secret, Sonic! Oh that’s right, animals can’t read…yet. (Evil laugh.)
Alas, there are some people out there who aren’t really afraid of anything (lookin’ at you, Superman), and thus aren’t easily scared. As the music major once said, desperate times call for desperate measures. When people just aren’t scared, there’s really only one thing to do: slap them. Yes, you heard me. Slap them. Nothing is more startling than an unannounced slap to the brain-box. Not only is it startling, it’s unsettling as well, which is also equally scary. But remember, violence isn’t the answer…unless someone can’t be scared.
Don’t bank on just my suggestions. Use your own ideas and be creative to come up with a chilling costume this Halloween. The scarier or weirder, the better. But don’t take my word for it, take zombie LeVar Burton’s.
