By monsters I mean vampires, zombies, werewolves, etc. You know, the ones that are seemingly mocked in today’s society. How would the monsters feel if they were here today? Have you ever thought about their rights? Well, recently, I have, so much so that I don’t hesitate for a moment to now call myself an advocate for Monster Rights.

These creatures are being severely mistreated, and frankly I’m sick of it. Just the other day I was talking to a Zombie who said, “Uhhh, uhhhhhhhhhh, uhhhh”, which for those of you who can’t be bothered to take time out of your ever-so-busy lives to learn the language, translates to “I can’t believe the amount of flagrant disrespect you mortals exhibit for our people, and it appalls me that no one has addressed the issue thus far.”

If it weren’t for faithful fiction like “The Walking Dead”, perhaps Zombies would just become another casualty to this phenomenon. They’re safe for now, if you don’t count the hundreds of popular video games that train us to kill and maim them in vast quantities.

Let’s just get down to business: Vampires are not, I repeat, are NOT sparkly. Ever. That’s like bedazzling Chuck Norris. You take something previously badass and make a mockery out of it. Thankfully, Chuck Norris can’t be bedazzled because his skin ejects flaming spikes whenever a bedazzler is near him preventing that person from committing such a heinous crime, but I digress.

Vampires have it the worst. Thanks to the “Twilight” series of books and movies vampires have become the bud of every joke. Fact: Vampires dig their teeth into your arteries and suck your blood. Fact: Vampires have superhuman strength and speed. Fact: Vampires can live forever, and you have to be handy with a wooden stake and an anatomy textbook just to kill them. How in God’s name is this “sexy”? These are not the type of people you want to want to make romance movies about. It reads more like a Pentagon wish-list for the first batch of genetically-modified super-soldiers.

Vampires are scary. They were meant to be scary, not to inspire a line of Barbie dolls. “Oh mommy, can I buy a new Dream House just for Team Edward?” said the little girl. Mommy, you should know better than to buy your 6-year old a bloodsucking killer, especially one they’re developing their first crush on.

Werewolves don’t have it as bad, but because they found themselves in the “Twilight” movies, their reputation is getting soiled. These are people who transform into giant wolves. Wolves, not puppies or kittens. What is wrong with these producers where suddenly ghoulish cross-species hell-beasts can’t be given a little dignity.

And while we’re at it, why is that shirtless 18-year old built like a linebacker for the Green Bay Packers?

In closing, these creatures simply deserve better. So I ask you, people of the world, give them the respect they so deserve. I support Monster’s Rights, which is simply letting them be monsters. Need proof of how hard they’ve got it? I interviewed a vampire yesterday and all she could do was hug me tight and cry on my shoulder. I can still feel the sting of her tears on my neck.



  1. I must be getting cynical in my old age…what are you jabbering on about? Is this some sort of secret message to the woman you love; but she does not know even exist? Is it a narrative-slip into the who cares and look at me I am read online or red online? What about the Japanese? Have they personally done something to you in the past that encouraged you to spend time writing nearly nothing for a few minutes or was it hours…take a break, think it over, and lets see something for the Japanese!
    Hugs & Kisses,
    A Grumpy Drunk
    PS: Are you sure you quoted the Zombie correctly? I am not sure about the zillion H’s and APA..If Chuck ever read this little piece of driftwood he would kick your a$$ for wasting time~!

    • His column is meant to be satirical and humorous.. He’s not hired to write about world news, he’s hired to make jokes.. You probably didn’t get the jokes because you’re too old to understand the pop culture references.. To some of us, it was funny.

      • Yawn..paid? My tuition hard at work IC. Nothing more entertaining in life and a 107 year old virgin with teeth..cept, my X. BTW, how many days are you past puberty? Can’t the man write his own responses, or does momma have to explain things for him…yawn.

        • For someone who did not understand this article, you’re far too critical and (as you admitted yourself) cynical. “The man,” as you call him, could have easily answered your immature and unwanted comment with the same wit he displays in his article but you most likely would not have understood his mature sense of humor. Rather than sitting behind a desk critiquing the literature of college students, find a hobby besides drinking.

          And to put it in a way you’ll be able to understand, A Grumpy Duck, you’re a moron.

        • He’s not getting paid for it, so don’t worry about your tuition money. And if you really have that much of an issue with it, just don’t read it. It’s simply meant to be a humorous article. Just because it’s not funny to you, doesn’t mean others don’t enjoy it. Why the need to be so mean? I’m sure he puts a lot of work and effort into writing an article that is supposed to make people laugh. Is it such a sin to want to make people feel happy? I don’t think so. Take it for what it is: a joke. If you don’t like it, don’t read it.. but don’t feel the need to put him down over it. Just be nice!

          • Hi Again….I wondered how long it would take before people digressed to name calling from the time of my original post. My response the the article was an experiment in USM students social behavior. I understand the article was intended as humor and rightly deserved the responses. More importantly, I noted and appreciated the civility on your responses to my uncivil post! Unfortunately, yours was the only civil response and the rest nearly begged me to increase the level of negative rhetoric. I won’t be feeding the fire with another response, sorry people the shows over…

            It was interesting to observe the reactions and especially the immediate gravitation to name calling. This part supports my theory about young adults and their propensity to overtly aggressive behavior, especially online when personal risk is fairly low. I doubt any of them would have responded the same way in person. I know I baited them into it but it does not change their reactions, they chose to up the anti with the name calling. I wish I had more time to explore this online but I have to get back to my real research. Maybe next semester I can create another Troll for the free press!

            Andrew, your writing is exemplary! don’t let the Trolls in life ever get under your skin…it is all part of being in the public domain or the toilet depending on our views…

    • Great job using big words to disguise the fact that you’re an overly cynical shmuck who needs to compensate for his pitfalls by spewing negativity to people who really don’t care. His column isn’t meant to be serious. It’s meant for reading enjoyment and humor, and I think he’s got a very sharp sense of humor. There are few things I care about less in this world than people who feel the need to say unprovoked negative things. One of them is grumpy drunk people, so you’re two for two! Don’t like his column? Don’t read it. No one is making you.

      Bear Hugs & Poisonous Kisses,

      P.S. – It’s spelled P.S. with correct punctuation.

      P.S.S. – I’m not sure there’s a rehab for conceited ignoramuses, but you should definitely look into that.

  2. You being on staff to make jokes is the funniest joke of all. I laughed at how horrible your attempts at humor were. So thanks for that. Also, to those saying this is satirical and especially to those saying this is humorous, you have low standards. Satire is art, this is rubbish.

    • Why do you feel the need to put him down like that? Can’t you be constructive in your criticism? As a writer myself, it always helps when people give pleasant advice, not the negative ramblings of someone who clearly needs attention. It’s so much easier to be positive.

      • I didnt put him down I just hate zombies and other dumb shit like that. But now that you mention it I do think he sucks and you’re probably one of those crappy writers that can’t get nobody to read their shit besides their Moms and bffs. GFYS… PS i’m an attention whore- spot on!

        • I wasn’t aiming my comment at you, Skillings Benjamin. I think that you worded your comment very well, saying that you liked it and giving some helpful advice. I was more aiming it at The Satire Police. And who are you referring to in your comment above about being an attention-whore?

      • I read your post in a whining voice, is that accurate portrayal of your tone?

        A point by point response:

        Wahhh #1: “Why do you feel the need to put him down like that?”
        Response #1:
        You are insinuating that my purpose was to put him down. Why would I take my time to put down someone I clearly care little about? My purpose was more selfish than that, my purpose was to express my opinion. My opinion happened to be at his expense, but putting him down was not the purpose.

        Wahhh #2: “Can’t you be constructive in your criticism?”
        Response #2: I maintain that the constructiveness of criticism ultimately falls on the criticized to discern. However, I will grant you constructive criticism as a concept which hinges on giving positive feedback. You seem to be confused. Do you realize that there is a difference between being able to provide constructive criticism and actually choosing to do so? Yes, I am able to be constructive in my criticism. No, I did not choose to be constructive in my previous criticism.

        Wahhh #3: “As a writer myself, it always helps when people give pleasant advice, not the negative ramblings of someone who clearly needs attention.”
        Response #3: I could tell you were a writer before you even stated as such, considering I was reading text that you wrote. That was sarcasm. Let me clarify, before you whine more, I understand that you are inferring that you write articles or some other non-academic, non-comment venue. The consistency with which pleasant advice helps you is irrelevant to your argument. Your works may be very well crafted, leading to more pleasant advice or your works may be garbage, but your reviewers are sugar-coating their opinions so as to not hurt your feelings. If the reality is the latter, how could you possibly be benefiting in regards to your actual written work? Yes, your fragile feelings may remain intact, but any readers of your work surely aren’t being helped. I felt negatively about the article, producing a negative review. I did not ramble; I was succinct. What led you to assume and assert that my negative review was the result of a personality defect? If I needed attention, why would I seek it through a comment on an article from the Free Press of the University of Southern Maine? You may as well have said that I am here through StriveU.

        Wahhh #4: “It’s so much easier to be positive.”
        Response #4: How dare you say this. You may live in a land of friendly unicorns and free cotton candy, but I do not. It is not easier to be positive. It is not easier to be negative. You have no right to tell me it is easier to be positive, especially about something I take negatively.

        • For the record:
          I got a bit carried away in my trolling. I apologize to anyone I offended, including myself. I got an idea for an editorial from this, because I realized I was using a generational desensitization/slur of sorts in my “rhetoric” and by “rhetoric” I mean blather. Maybe something positive can come out of this crap I spewed.
          P.S. It’s 4:25am and I haven’t been able to sleep. I feel awful about being crude and cruel. This is my last comment on this thread/article. My heartfelt apologies. No more trolling for me.

          • Your “blathering” is a perfect example of the type of bullying that needs to stop in every school, worldwide. I hope you feel great about telling Andrew he’s an awful writer, a joke, as well as insulting almost everyone who commented. Not being able to sleep is not an excuse for this unprovoked attack. I’m Andrew’s best friend, and he said to me the other day that he felt worthless as a writer after reading your comments, and that people like you make him feel completely unwanted. He got through it, because he’s stronger and far funnier than you’ll ever be. As for your lower post, The reason no one responded to you was because they just don’t care about someone who feels the need to put down other people at their own expense. You should feel ashamed of yourself. This is not even close to “rhetoric”, sir, because rhetoric is stirring, and it moves people. The only way this move people is farther away from bullies like you. No one asked for your “wahhh” explanations, because they simply think you’re an asshole. I know it’s not one of your “fancy” big words, but it’s the correct one.

            I understand that you truly apologize, but you SHOULD feel awful for what you did. I hope the day doesn’t come where we meet face to face. Unlike you, judging by your ranting, Andrew has friends. Lots of them. This is the exact behavior that makes people question whether they matter or not in this world. How would you feel if he hurt himself because of you? Do us all a favor, and don’t ever pull this sort of stunt again. Ever.

          • That’s great that you got an idea for an editorial. Too bad no one will ever publish you because you’re a pretentious dick.

    • Then, A) Read something else, B) Have some constructive criticism to help the author, or C) Man up and go write your own damn article.

      I thought this was relevent, witty and spot-on. Romanticizing (admittedly completely fictional) characters that were born out of horror and evil hurts those of us who appreciate this genre for what it used to be.

  3. I completely understand where you are coming from, however, you should have read a little bit more about vampires before attacking the Twilight series. Vampires have actually always been seen as a “sex idol”. Yes the glitter is harsh, and frankly I’m not a fan. But Vampires have been seen to have great sex appeal, at least since Bram Stoker’s Dracula.

    As for werewolves, yes, the Twilight MOVIES called them werewolves, but that isn’t actually what they are at all. If you actually read the books (I have and they are quite good), the author didn’t intend for the wolves to be called werewolves, they were something completely different, but when the movies were made the term “werewolf” was easier to be said that explaining something entirely new.

    So, in conclusion, I love your article, but please, read up before attacking such things.

  4. Okay, I can’t take it anymore. I am being a troll. You know…another monster that has been reborn in our pop culture?! Wow. No one? Okay. Never mind. Don’t feed the troll next time.


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